The weather has been amazing mellow recently, which is no good for us skiers this late in Dec but it is good for us runners. I like the brisk days that are bright and uplifting. I have needed that this week.
Suffice it to say, it has been a bit of a tough week. The Xmas holiday was a joy with lots of family, food and fun, all one could wish for. The let down after it was something else though, and up there with one other in the past that I remember being particularly difficult to take. After some intense drama in my own personal life, I was left a hollowed being, yet had to carry on with a day of commitments - hours in the hospital with dad for a fluid drain, my own appointments, and the emotional rollercoaster that I was on. I had to miss running on that day - even if I had wanted to, there wasn't time for it. Good thing I didn't really want to.
But I got out the next morning and it was a great morning to do it! It was bright and gorgeous, but warm enough for a single layer and no headband. I chose to do my Regal route, though was going from a different direction than usual so I just did it out and back, to insure I got as many hills as I could :)
It was serene and peaceful. There were deer and hawks. I was able to just be alone with my thoughts (and my beloved iPod). I wouldnt say it helped to clear my head, as there were too many thoughts for that to even be possible. But it did let me think them through one by one, try to understand what is going on, make sense of where I am right now. I won't say it fixed things but it gave me a couple new thoughts and maybe some clarity.
Things with dad are a bit worrisome right now. I don't know if there is too much new concern, from the medical side at least, but Dad is anxious and it is eating him up, I can tell. I hate to see his despair and nervousness. And I hate to think what, if anything, the new symptoms and issues could mean. In reality, it is a dose of perspective. Things are hard, but they are harder for him. And life is hard and complicated.
That is one of the reasons I love to run. Running, like life, has to be taken one step at a time, the road is long, but you will, at some point, come to the crest of the hill. Step by step, day by day, drop by drop. Keep going, don't give up, don't ever give up.
Friday, 30 December 2011
Monday, 19 December 2011
Natl Club XC race, amongst other stuff
I have gotten back into a groove a bit more and it feels good. It helps SO much having a group to run with and SR to run with most days - it really helps with the motivation factor!
So we had the Natl Club Cross Country race last weekend in Seattle - it was a good girl's weekend away! The running was tough, no doubt - I wasn't sure what to expect, given that I have only run UK XC in the past 20 years! The course was flat which suited me well, and the 'mud' that people complained a bit later was laughable given what I have run at Parliament Hill or any of those races!
The competition was stiff and some of those girls at the front were very, very fast (not like I ever saw them!). There were 265 finishers in our race, and I came 126 or something like that - so goes to show it was pretty fast. I felt pleased with my running overall - I did close to 6min mile pace, and only slowed about 10 seconds in the third mile versus the first. I ran with SR for the better part of the first lap and a half, and then I lost her, and she probably got a good 20m in front of me, but I managed to catch she and HC in the last lap so that we could finish right close to each other - it was good to have them to chase after!
I am pleased with how it went, and while it felt hard, it felt good to go fast since things haven't been at too fast of a pace much lately. I have been able to get on the track a couple time with SR but now it has been frosty and cold and I fear that if the snow doesn't come that will keep us off it, the slickness will. I dread the thought of being on the treadmill doing all of that stuff, but it is an inevitability at some stage, so I might as well get used to the idea now. In the meantime, I will just get outside as much as possible to keep it interesting!
The rest of the move home is going well and while I am still not totally settled, it is coming along. I manage to stay really busy despite not really having much to do, so I don't know how I ever fit in a job anyway! That being said, I am looking for some part-time work to help out a bit.
Dad is doing pretty well and is openly very pleased that I am here, and for good, which makes me feel good. We usually get to see each other most days and do errands and things - it helps keep us both from the mundane. He has been put on some antibiotics as he hasn't been feeling super hot - lung congestion and stuff - so hopefully that will knock it on the head. I am a bit worried since JM has mono and while I don't really mind so much if I get it, though it would be a huge nuisance, I worry about Dad getting it somehow. But we are both fairing well right now - I am not even sure he would know the difference, to be honest. But let's hope we can stay healthy (yes, it is a relative term).
So we had the Natl Club Cross Country race last weekend in Seattle - it was a good girl's weekend away! The running was tough, no doubt - I wasn't sure what to expect, given that I have only run UK XC in the past 20 years! The course was flat which suited me well, and the 'mud' that people complained a bit later was laughable given what I have run at Parliament Hill or any of those races!
The competition was stiff and some of those girls at the front were very, very fast (not like I ever saw them!). There were 265 finishers in our race, and I came 126 or something like that - so goes to show it was pretty fast. I felt pleased with my running overall - I did close to 6min mile pace, and only slowed about 10 seconds in the third mile versus the first. I ran with SR for the better part of the first lap and a half, and then I lost her, and she probably got a good 20m in front of me, but I managed to catch she and HC in the last lap so that we could finish right close to each other - it was good to have them to chase after!
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| No mud?? USATF Club Cross Country Championships, Jefferson Park Golf Course, Seattle, WA; Dec 10. (c) Mike Scott 2011. (c) Michael Scott 2011. |
The rest of the move home is going well and while I am still not totally settled, it is coming along. I manage to stay really busy despite not really having much to do, so I don't know how I ever fit in a job anyway! That being said, I am looking for some part-time work to help out a bit.
Dad is doing pretty well and is openly very pleased that I am here, and for good, which makes me feel good. We usually get to see each other most days and do errands and things - it helps keep us both from the mundane. He has been put on some antibiotics as he hasn't been feeling super hot - lung congestion and stuff - so hopefully that will knock it on the head. I am a bit worried since JM has mono and while I don't really mind so much if I get it, though it would be a huge nuisance, I worry about Dad getting it somehow. But we are both fairing well right now - I am not even sure he would know the difference, to be honest. But let's hope we can stay healthy (yes, it is a relative term).
Friday, 2 December 2011
On the road again
It has been a long hiatus for me, feels like both from the running and the blogging. I lost the energy on both for a while there.
After the marathon, the running came to a virtual standstill (no pun intended). Partly because I had to take a break after the race, partly I didn't have the time to run, and partly because I didn't have the energy. The three weeks after it were just a bit mental, wrapping up my London life. Packing up the last five years took some effort, both physically and mentally, and running wasn't really on the top of the list of priorities. I still tried to do some, to keep the pounds at bay, which I don't think really work, since I definitely had some indulgences. Either way, the effort wasn't really there, and I did feel a bit bad about it, and miss the competitiveness.
That is one thing I worry about - I do so much better with training and maintaining if I am aiming for something out there in the distance. If not, the effort just seems a bit futile or worthless sometimes, especially if I am doing the running on my own. I enjoy it, of course, most days, but it doesn't feel like I have to be out there slogging away, so it is easier to fob off the odd run here and there. So when I don't have that out there, I am sometimes wondering, 'What is the point?' It does help keep me sane though, so I guess that is a good enough reason.
But, the good news is that I am back in Spokane, and for good this time. I am excited about it for sure, and I was ready in many ways. It was sad to say goodbye, and I ran the gamut of emotions pretty much everyday, but I am certain about the move home and certain that it is for the right reasons. I was getting really excited at the end, which makes all of the tedium all the more so. I was sad to leave work, but not at the same time - some of the bureaucracy was just getting to be too much and I haven't really missed the day-to-day issues very much at all. Just the friends really. I am sure a couple weeks in, when I am a bit more settled, I will at least be missing the routine of it, as I like structure, but not just yet at least.
The first week and a half back here were about as mental as those before them - lots of rushing around, getting settled, trying to be an American in America again. All good, but stretched. Throw in the Thanksgiving holiday and trying to prepare part of a dinner for 13 and it added up. This week, though, things have slowed a bit, and let me get back into a serious running regime, at least, and that makes me feel good.
This week has been great, and I have been motivated. I have run with the Swifts twice, and that helps the morale for sure, especially when the run involves setting out at 5:30pm in the pitch black and cold - I wouldn't do that on my own, but doing it with them makes it so much more bearable, enjoyable even! I have also run the last four runs with SR, who is super good motivation and we are good at pushing each other. It is really helpful, and both of us have eluded to the fact that we 'wouldn't have run that hard on my own' - it is good to have a running buddy for sure, and I look forward to much more of it. I have also joined the gym (no more pretending to be my 45 year old stepmother) and am determined to focus more on the S&C stuff - I had gotten pretty decent about it last year, but need to get back into it. It will be fun, and easier with JM and LJ to go with.
So that is sort of where I am at - trying to get back into the groove, and trying to take advantage of being able to run outside for as long as possible before the snow comes. It is feeling good this week, so hope to keep it up. Watch this space.
After the marathon, the running came to a virtual standstill (no pun intended). Partly because I had to take a break after the race, partly I didn't have the time to run, and partly because I didn't have the energy. The three weeks after it were just a bit mental, wrapping up my London life. Packing up the last five years took some effort, both physically and mentally, and running wasn't really on the top of the list of priorities. I still tried to do some, to keep the pounds at bay, which I don't think really work, since I definitely had some indulgences. Either way, the effort wasn't really there, and I did feel a bit bad about it, and miss the competitiveness.
That is one thing I worry about - I do so much better with training and maintaining if I am aiming for something out there in the distance. If not, the effort just seems a bit futile or worthless sometimes, especially if I am doing the running on my own. I enjoy it, of course, most days, but it doesn't feel like I have to be out there slogging away, so it is easier to fob off the odd run here and there. So when I don't have that out there, I am sometimes wondering, 'What is the point?' It does help keep me sane though, so I guess that is a good enough reason.
But, the good news is that I am back in Spokane, and for good this time. I am excited about it for sure, and I was ready in many ways. It was sad to say goodbye, and I ran the gamut of emotions pretty much everyday, but I am certain about the move home and certain that it is for the right reasons. I was getting really excited at the end, which makes all of the tedium all the more so. I was sad to leave work, but not at the same time - some of the bureaucracy was just getting to be too much and I haven't really missed the day-to-day issues very much at all. Just the friends really. I am sure a couple weeks in, when I am a bit more settled, I will at least be missing the routine of it, as I like structure, but not just yet at least.
The first week and a half back here were about as mental as those before them - lots of rushing around, getting settled, trying to be an American in America again. All good, but stretched. Throw in the Thanksgiving holiday and trying to prepare part of a dinner for 13 and it added up. This week, though, things have slowed a bit, and let me get back into a serious running regime, at least, and that makes me feel good.
This week has been great, and I have been motivated. I have run with the Swifts twice, and that helps the morale for sure, especially when the run involves setting out at 5:30pm in the pitch black and cold - I wouldn't do that on my own, but doing it with them makes it so much more bearable, enjoyable even! I have also run the last four runs with SR, who is super good motivation and we are good at pushing each other. It is really helpful, and both of us have eluded to the fact that we 'wouldn't have run that hard on my own' - it is good to have a running buddy for sure, and I look forward to much more of it. I have also joined the gym (no more pretending to be my 45 year old stepmother) and am determined to focus more on the S&C stuff - I had gotten pretty decent about it last year, but need to get back into it. It will be fun, and easier with JM and LJ to go with.
So that is sort of where I am at - trying to get back into the groove, and trying to take advantage of being able to run outside for as long as possible before the snow comes. It is feeling good this week, so hope to keep it up. Watch this space.
Monday, 17 October 2011
Success - now what??
Ah, the day after race day! It is all over, and I lived through it. Not even just lived through it, but thrived through it, I guess I could say.
I didn't run a 2.46, but that was to be expected in the end. I didn't even run a 2.55. But I did run a 2.57.13, and I am proud of that. It was a great race, a great day for it, and I did what I set out to do, which was to run smart, stay in the race mentally through the entire race, and run as well as I possibly could. I feel like that is victory.
I think the mental prep work I put in helped (even the cheesy movie watching!) - I really did well telling myself numerous times on route: 'Don't worry about what happens in 10k', 'Focus on this mile only', 'Don't fret about the clock', 'No excuses, do the job' (that one came from Rudy!). I was pleased that I was able to stay in the game and stay positive. And for the most part, it worked really well - I was really enjoying the running for the first 2+ hours! It was hard work, but I really was liking it. The last 8k got hard though - I was on pace to finish in 2.54 range until about then, and I think that was mostly glycogen storage and lactade build up that forced me to slow down, since I didn't feel horrendous otherwise (I didn't feel great, either, to be fair).
But I stuck it out, despite slower pace for the last bit, and some of that is stuff that can be worked on, I am sure. I ended up 18th woman overall, from what I can tell, and 409 overall of about 9200 people, so that is pleasing! People seemed happy for me, and DC did as well :) I am glad it is over, for now....
But I know I am going to get antsy. For a while there I was thinking about taking some time to get back into enjoying running - not that I haven't been, but just to take it down a notch and just have fun with it for a bit. I am not sure though....part of me is thinking that this time, after I get home, is pretty much the perfect time to take it UP a notch instead! I won't have a job, will have plenty of time, and can really work on the aspects that I consistently slack on a bit - the S&C and the nutritional side of things. I will have to talk to DC to see what he thinks, but part of me wants to keep up the hard work and keep pushing - I know I can be even faster now, so want to keep the momentum. We will see. Overall, I am positive though, for sure - it feels good to have succeeded and have a new PB under my belt after what feels like a very long time!
I AMsterdam!
I didn't run a 2.46, but that was to be expected in the end. I didn't even run a 2.55. But I did run a 2.57.13, and I am proud of that. It was a great race, a great day for it, and I did what I set out to do, which was to run smart, stay in the race mentally through the entire race, and run as well as I possibly could. I feel like that is victory.
I think the mental prep work I put in helped (even the cheesy movie watching!) - I really did well telling myself numerous times on route: 'Don't worry about what happens in 10k', 'Focus on this mile only', 'Don't fret about the clock', 'No excuses, do the job' (that one came from Rudy!). I was pleased that I was able to stay in the game and stay positive. And for the most part, it worked really well - I was really enjoying the running for the first 2+ hours! It was hard work, but I really was liking it. The last 8k got hard though - I was on pace to finish in 2.54 range until about then, and I think that was mostly glycogen storage and lactade build up that forced me to slow down, since I didn't feel horrendous otherwise (I didn't feel great, either, to be fair).
But I stuck it out, despite slower pace for the last bit, and some of that is stuff that can be worked on, I am sure. I ended up 18th woman overall, from what I can tell, and 409 overall of about 9200 people, so that is pleasing! People seemed happy for me, and DC did as well :) I am glad it is over, for now....
But I know I am going to get antsy. For a while there I was thinking about taking some time to get back into enjoying running - not that I haven't been, but just to take it down a notch and just have fun with it for a bit. I am not sure though....part of me is thinking that this time, after I get home, is pretty much the perfect time to take it UP a notch instead! I won't have a job, will have plenty of time, and can really work on the aspects that I consistently slack on a bit - the S&C and the nutritional side of things. I will have to talk to DC to see what he thinks, but part of me wants to keep up the hard work and keep pushing - I know I can be even faster now, so want to keep the momentum. We will see. Overall, I am positive though, for sure - it feels good to have succeeded and have a new PB under my belt after what feels like a very long time!
I AMsterdam!
Saturday, 15 October 2011
On the eve of battle
Well the day has come. All the hard work had been done and foundation has been completed. The resting period that has been excruciating this week continues through the night, and tomorrow comes the day I have been waiting for.
After all of this, and the mental preparation, I am excited to see how it turns out. I feel like I have worked hard, put in many hours of training and sacrificed for it, to some degree. The goal has changed over time, as aspects of my life meant that the training didn't all happen as was hoped, and the ambitious goal I had set for this race has become unattainable save a miracle. I am okay with that, though - life happens and things can't always follow the path we want them too, especially one set so many months ago.
I am ready, though. I know that a PB is in my legs and in my heart. I know I can do it. I have been working on my mental focus especially these last couple weeks, and I think I am in a good place. Whle there have been niggles in these last few days, I think they are mostly in my head and pent up energy and anxiety. I know I can do it.
And though I travelled to Amsterdam by myself, will cross the start and finish lines by myself, and will travel back to London by myself, I am in no way alone. My loved ones are all with me, cheering me on and willing me forward. My dad is closer than normal, having made a great trip across the States all on his own to see his son and brothers. Just the amazing fact at he is able to do that, in body and mind, considering the state he was in ten short months ago is all the miracle I could ask for about now. And he is rooting for me, hoping that iwill have a great race and most importantly, have fun. I intend to do this - if it isn't fun at the end of the day, why do it?
So now I sit, on the eve of the big race, ready to run. Run like the Wind.
After all of this, and the mental preparation, I am excited to see how it turns out. I feel like I have worked hard, put in many hours of training and sacrificed for it, to some degree. The goal has changed over time, as aspects of my life meant that the training didn't all happen as was hoped, and the ambitious goal I had set for this race has become unattainable save a miracle. I am okay with that, though - life happens and things can't always follow the path we want them too, especially one set so many months ago.
I am ready, though. I know that a PB is in my legs and in my heart. I know I can do it. I have been working on my mental focus especially these last couple weeks, and I think I am in a good place. Whle there have been niggles in these last few days, I think they are mostly in my head and pent up energy and anxiety. I know I can do it.
And though I travelled to Amsterdam by myself, will cross the start and finish lines by myself, and will travel back to London by myself, I am in no way alone. My loved ones are all with me, cheering me on and willing me forward. My dad is closer than normal, having made a great trip across the States all on his own to see his son and brothers. Just the amazing fact at he is able to do that, in body and mind, considering the state he was in ten short months ago is all the miracle I could ask for about now. And he is rooting for me, hoping that iwill have a great race and most importantly, have fun. I intend to do this - if it isn't fun at the end of the day, why do it?
So now I sit, on the eve of the big race, ready to run. Run like the Wind.
Sunday, 9 October 2011
T-minus six days to Kick Ass Time
Well, I haven't blogged in two months. Most of the time it has slipped my mind as there seems to be enough to be getting on with these days! But it is T-minus less than 1 week until race day, so have been trying to focus, on focusing.
The runs have been going well with the odd niggle freaking me out a bit. Calves have struggled, super tight most of the time, but some heat and ice seemed to help them out this week. Some strange groin pain going on after yesterday's run. I am sure they will run themselves out on the long race day.
I am nervous, but excited too. It became apparent that the 2.46 was a bit too lofty of a goal for my training regime, so that has gotten put aside. So I don't have a set time to shoot for now, which is a bit liberating. Sub-3 should definitely be in the realm of possibility, and I hope that it will be greatly below that. I am anxious, but hope that the hard work will do me well.
I have been spending the recent evenings watching inspirational sport movies. They are pretty good - Remember the Titans, Miracle, Hoosiers, Coach Carter. The running films are few and far between, as are those about individual sports. But they are about heart, adversity, and perseverance, and they make me feel good. Now is GI Jane - head shaving scene. I know it isn't a sport movie, but she is kick ass and puts up with some tough shit. All I have to put up with is less than 3 hours of pain. I can do that.
I want to enjoy it, the best that I can. I hope that I can enjoy it, and run well.
The runs have been going well with the odd niggle freaking me out a bit. Calves have struggled, super tight most of the time, but some heat and ice seemed to help them out this week. Some strange groin pain going on after yesterday's run. I am sure they will run themselves out on the long race day.
I am nervous, but excited too. It became apparent that the 2.46 was a bit too lofty of a goal for my training regime, so that has gotten put aside. So I don't have a set time to shoot for now, which is a bit liberating. Sub-3 should definitely be in the realm of possibility, and I hope that it will be greatly below that. I am anxious, but hope that the hard work will do me well.
I have been spending the recent evenings watching inspirational sport movies. They are pretty good - Remember the Titans, Miracle, Hoosiers, Coach Carter. The running films are few and far between, as are those about individual sports. But they are about heart, adversity, and perseverance, and they make me feel good. Now is GI Jane - head shaving scene. I know it isn't a sport movie, but she is kick ass and puts up with some tough shit. All I have to put up with is less than 3 hours of pain. I can do that.
I want to enjoy it, the best that I can. I hope that I can enjoy it, and run well.
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
Slacker in so many ways!
Well, the blog has obviously gone by the wayside of late. I guess life just takes over sometimes.
I have been to LA, Seattle, Spokane and back again since the last writings. Have dropped out of a race, had some fantastic runs, and some others that just didn't go as planned. I can't make excuses for it - it isn't worth it - just have to keep running on.
I had probably my biggest running week ever prior to my trip home - about 65 miles, which is a lot for me! I also did my first 20+ run in over three years, which actually felt pretty dang good, and I was pleased with myself. This week came at a good time, as I had had a not good race that I just couldn't talk myself into finishing the week before. Poor performance, and too much on the brain - I need to get over that, and come to a place where I can push on when things get hard. It is like sometimes I don't think it should be hard, and am surprised when it is. I know, it isn't good.
But that was a good next week with some really good, hard runs in there. Then the trip home set me back a bit, I think, as some of the runs just couldn't or didn't get done. I am sure it pushes me back, making it so two months from now, the goal might be that much less likely to be attained. But I have to maintain hope and work hard after it.
The trip home was SO good though, and I just had the best time ever. I started with a quick pitstop in LA to see NF and MB, which was great fun - an evening at the Cork with delirium setting in. Then to SEA to meet JM and take part in a fantastic wedding with the wine flowing like beer and dancing like a fool a necessity.
Then a lovely drive to Spokane and good family time. Both of the brothers were there, as was my niece, and we really packed the week with time at the lake, time at the waterpark, time at Silverwood, some great food, a fun concert, BBQ, a night at the mountain with a heated Cranium game, friends, fun and so much sunshine!! I think JMjr and NM had a really fun time, and I know that Dad loved having all of us there together. It was just such a relaxing and enjoyable time - easy and fun without some of the tensions that sometimes come with time at home.
Time with JM for me was amazing!! We just enjoyed all of our time together, and it was fantastic. We rounded out the long, exhausting week with a fun day out at the lake for the annual whiffleball shenanigans. Man, what a time!!
So, needless to say, the running has been a struggle, but the laughs and good times have been aplenty, and sometimes I think this is more what i need to keep going. Time with dad was so positive, and while I really worry that his health has declined some since I was there 6 weeks ago, I hope that this gave him a good boost to keep him going. I can't bear thinking about not being back for 4 whole months, and the gears are going a mile a minute trying to sort out my plans for the future - London, Spokane, all of it. Watch this space! And thank goodness for a much-needed summer boost provided by my loving friends and family in the USA!
I have been to LA, Seattle, Spokane and back again since the last writings. Have dropped out of a race, had some fantastic runs, and some others that just didn't go as planned. I can't make excuses for it - it isn't worth it - just have to keep running on.
I had probably my biggest running week ever prior to my trip home - about 65 miles, which is a lot for me! I also did my first 20+ run in over three years, which actually felt pretty dang good, and I was pleased with myself. This week came at a good time, as I had had a not good race that I just couldn't talk myself into finishing the week before. Poor performance, and too much on the brain - I need to get over that, and come to a place where I can push on when things get hard. It is like sometimes I don't think it should be hard, and am surprised when it is. I know, it isn't good.
But that was a good next week with some really good, hard runs in there. Then the trip home set me back a bit, I think, as some of the runs just couldn't or didn't get done. I am sure it pushes me back, making it so two months from now, the goal might be that much less likely to be attained. But I have to maintain hope and work hard after it.
The trip home was SO good though, and I just had the best time ever. I started with a quick pitstop in LA to see NF and MB, which was great fun - an evening at the Cork with delirium setting in. Then to SEA to meet JM and take part in a fantastic wedding with the wine flowing like beer and dancing like a fool a necessity.
Then a lovely drive to Spokane and good family time. Both of the brothers were there, as was my niece, and we really packed the week with time at the lake, time at the waterpark, time at Silverwood, some great food, a fun concert, BBQ, a night at the mountain with a heated Cranium game, friends, fun and so much sunshine!! I think JMjr and NM had a really fun time, and I know that Dad loved having all of us there together. It was just such a relaxing and enjoyable time - easy and fun without some of the tensions that sometimes come with time at home.
Time with JM for me was amazing!! We just enjoyed all of our time together, and it was fantastic. We rounded out the long, exhausting week with a fun day out at the lake for the annual whiffleball shenanigans. Man, what a time!!
So, needless to say, the running has been a struggle, but the laughs and good times have been aplenty, and sometimes I think this is more what i need to keep going. Time with dad was so positive, and while I really worry that his health has declined some since I was there 6 weeks ago, I hope that this gave him a good boost to keep him going. I can't bear thinking about not being back for 4 whole months, and the gears are going a mile a minute trying to sort out my plans for the future - London, Spokane, all of it. Watch this space! And thank goodness for a much-needed summer boost provided by my loving friends and family in the USA!
Wednesday, 6 July 2011
New cities = exhilaration!
I meant to write this a couple days ago, as I don't know how many of these posts are really positive, and this one, when I was thinking about it on my run, was positive. (I did two posts this time, so the one from today was actually below, and this should have been on July 3rd).
I am in Geneva now, for a conference at the UN (look at me!). And one thing I consistently love about running, and always being in a constant state of training, is that I HAVE to get out there and do it, and running in a new place is really one of the best ways to familiarise oneself with new surroundings, and get out and get a feel for it. I cover SO much more ground when I am running, and I get to take in sights, smells, people, weather - all of it - at my own pace and in my own time. It is great!
Sometimes the cities are dull, and I am often relegated to major roadways that are visible on the map or will offer a relatively easy-to-follow route so as not to get stranded. But often times, I feel that these runs give me a more intimate appreciation for the city than those I am with - I get to see more and experience more in a given time period.
Either way, my first run in Geneva was great! I had missed my long run the day before, so I wanted to give it a good effort, and the map made it look like I could cover some good ground in a relatively short time that would allow me to see lots of the city. I set off with my little Spibelt (CDA 1/2 prize!) with some money, hotel key, ID, bus pass, and camera - the camera is sometimes bulky but the number of times in new places that I have wished for it have been too many to set out for the first time without it. (I will post pictures when I have my cable!)
The first two miles weren't very interesting, but at least gave me a sense of direction as to where the hotel was in comparison to the rest of the city. It was a gorgeous, hot Sunday afternoon. I came to the river (Rhone) and I was hoping there would be a trail along it. Well, there was, manned by warning signs about possible flash floods and a bit forboding, as it led into fairly dark woods on a dirt path.
I thought about sticking to the (boring) road, but thought I might as well try the trail for 5 min, and turn around if I was still tentative. It is an adventure, right?? It was great though - only a couple minutes in, I came to a vista off the cliff of the amazing river, which was the most fantastic colour!! It seems that the water flowing from Lake Geneva is clear and blue, and the water flowing from the other side is brown, presumably from mountain silt, or something, but the two mix in the city, making an amazing turquoise colour - it was breathtaking with pristine wooded banks on the other side.
Running down the hill to the water, I heard all kinds of noise and came to find dozens of people out enjoying their Sunday - BBQs, drumming, jumping into the water from the trees on the banks - it looked great, and really made me wish I had friends to enjoy the summer sun with and just enjoy the surroundings.
I ran on. Into the city, following the river, past a sort of outdoor reggae concert with lots of revellers, and people everywhere soaking up sun on any tiny piece of beach or cement jutting out into the water. Around the bend and into the lake area, onto a boardwalk running alongside the lake that was jammed with people, again enjoying the great weather! I awed at the huge water fountain in the middle of the lake, shooting water up like a geyser, and ran through the lovely park, darting around the passerby.
On I went into the botanical garden, housing a wonderful carousel - I always thought Spokane had the best one, but now I am not so sure - this one is incredible!!
On I went, now outside the reach of the park users, as I searched for the UN complex to find out where I needed to head this week. It is, of course, impressive, and massive - compulsory picture outside the gates, sweaty though I was!
Anyway, I am rambling now....I carried on back 'home' via the same route, for a total of 12.75 miles. It wasn't very fast, and I stopped a lot to take pictures and just soak it up and look around. This is necessary too - if it is supposed to be a cultural opportunity, I have to take in a bit of the culture! It was great - and I finished feeling that while I am going to be stuck inside all week, I at least can say I have seen a bit of the city and I got a good laugh out of it, plus got the run out of the way. It makes me grateful that I can use my running to help me experience new places and sights, on roads less travelled (by me).
As for the rest of things, all is going all right. I am settled back in London, I suppose, but still missing home a lot. I feel out of touch with Dad - with him off to dog trials, Hawaii, me here, our chances to speak have been few, and I miss him and knowing how he is doing day to day. I don't like it, since I have no real grasp on how he is holding up, plus I don't think he has slowed down even for a minute since I left - I suppose I haven't either! - which is maybe good for both of us. Keep running and keep experiencing, I guess....
I am in Geneva now, for a conference at the UN (look at me!). And one thing I consistently love about running, and always being in a constant state of training, is that I HAVE to get out there and do it, and running in a new place is really one of the best ways to familiarise oneself with new surroundings, and get out and get a feel for it. I cover SO much more ground when I am running, and I get to take in sights, smells, people, weather - all of it - at my own pace and in my own time. It is great!
Sometimes the cities are dull, and I am often relegated to major roadways that are visible on the map or will offer a relatively easy-to-follow route so as not to get stranded. But often times, I feel that these runs give me a more intimate appreciation for the city than those I am with - I get to see more and experience more in a given time period.
Either way, my first run in Geneva was great! I had missed my long run the day before, so I wanted to give it a good effort, and the map made it look like I could cover some good ground in a relatively short time that would allow me to see lots of the city. I set off with my little Spibelt (CDA 1/2 prize!) with some money, hotel key, ID, bus pass, and camera - the camera is sometimes bulky but the number of times in new places that I have wished for it have been too many to set out for the first time without it. (I will post pictures when I have my cable!)
The first two miles weren't very interesting, but at least gave me a sense of direction as to where the hotel was in comparison to the rest of the city. It was a gorgeous, hot Sunday afternoon. I came to the river (Rhone) and I was hoping there would be a trail along it. Well, there was, manned by warning signs about possible flash floods and a bit forboding, as it led into fairly dark woods on a dirt path.
I thought about sticking to the (boring) road, but thought I might as well try the trail for 5 min, and turn around if I was still tentative. It is an adventure, right?? It was great though - only a couple minutes in, I came to a vista off the cliff of the amazing river, which was the most fantastic colour!! It seems that the water flowing from Lake Geneva is clear and blue, and the water flowing from the other side is brown, presumably from mountain silt, or something, but the two mix in the city, making an amazing turquoise colour - it was breathtaking with pristine wooded banks on the other side.
Running down the hill to the water, I heard all kinds of noise and came to find dozens of people out enjoying their Sunday - BBQs, drumming, jumping into the water from the trees on the banks - it looked great, and really made me wish I had friends to enjoy the summer sun with and just enjoy the surroundings.
I ran on. Into the city, following the river, past a sort of outdoor reggae concert with lots of revellers, and people everywhere soaking up sun on any tiny piece of beach or cement jutting out into the water. Around the bend and into the lake area, onto a boardwalk running alongside the lake that was jammed with people, again enjoying the great weather! I awed at the huge water fountain in the middle of the lake, shooting water up like a geyser, and ran through the lovely park, darting around the passerby.
On I went into the botanical garden, housing a wonderful carousel - I always thought Spokane had the best one, but now I am not so sure - this one is incredible!!
On I went, now outside the reach of the park users, as I searched for the UN complex to find out where I needed to head this week. It is, of course, impressive, and massive - compulsory picture outside the gates, sweaty though I was!
Anyway, I am rambling now....I carried on back 'home' via the same route, for a total of 12.75 miles. It wasn't very fast, and I stopped a lot to take pictures and just soak it up and look around. This is necessary too - if it is supposed to be a cultural opportunity, I have to take in a bit of the culture! It was great - and I finished feeling that while I am going to be stuck inside all week, I at least can say I have seen a bit of the city and I got a good laugh out of it, plus got the run out of the way. It makes me grateful that I can use my running to help me experience new places and sights, on roads less travelled (by me).
As for the rest of things, all is going all right. I am settled back in London, I suppose, but still missing home a lot. I feel out of touch with Dad - with him off to dog trials, Hawaii, me here, our chances to speak have been few, and I miss him and knowing how he is doing day to day. I don't like it, since I have no real grasp on how he is holding up, plus I don't think he has slowed down even for a minute since I left - I suppose I haven't either! - which is maybe good for both of us. Keep running and keep experiencing, I guess....
Pushing on
Some days I just want to quit all of this. The days that it just feels too hard, I am too tired, I would rather be doing anything else - these are the days when I just want to pack it all in, become a social runner who doesn't wear a watch and doesn't have to do it every day, doesn't have to sacrifice doing fun things with friends because she has to do a long run or go to a race. I wouldn't have to get nervous or beat myself up over some silly 5k performance, or skipping a run here or there. Sometimes I just want to be in it for the fun of it, for the love of running.
These days often fall on speed workout and race days, when I decide I don't like running at all. Today was speed workout day.
The next to last thing I wanted to do when the alarm went off 6 short hours after I got to sleep, at 6am, was to get up and run. The LAST thing I wanted to do was to get up and have to run hard. Plus, being somewhere new that I don't know, and don't know where I can 'let it all out' on the road is always tough. I am in Geneva, spending a straight week at long conference sessions (that are not in any way interactive!) and they are demanding on my psyche - as such I didn't feel I had it in me to focus or push hard.
But I had a glimmer of hope - on the map it looked like there was a small park with a loop that I thought might work. So off I went, grumbling all the way! Turns out, the loop was very small - smaller than a lap around the track - but as I started, it actually was coming together rather well, about which I was surprised. While the loop was tiny, it at least allowed me to shut off my brain and not have to think about the roads or traffic or anything else. It wasn't even either, with a bit of a hill up one side, but that meant it was downhill on the other side, and I didn't have to push too hard against resistance. If my Garmin was accurate (sometimes I think it wants to conspire against having to run as well!) then I did pretty well, averaging about 5:40 mile pace on the 6 min reps (x3) and 5:30 on the 3 min reps (x4). I didn't know how many laps there were going to be, so there was no counting down, there was just listening to music and getting to the next rest period.
Things get hard and we have to find a way to get through it, and sometimes that means shutting off and just pushing on without thinking too much about it. It might hurt like hell, but there will come a time when it is over.
Some days running seems unusually difficult, like I have never been good at it, and I will never be good at it. It is days like these that I need to have a good run, that I enjoy, or hurt but feel accomplished by the end. Today was one of these - I hated starting, but I loved finishing, and I could congratulate myself on going hard and finishing, without cheating or quitting early (which are also too easy on hard days on my own). There will come a day when my running will be just for fun, without pressures applied by myself. Or maybe there won't. But today isn't one of those days - today I kept pushing on.
These days often fall on speed workout and race days, when I decide I don't like running at all. Today was speed workout day.
The next to last thing I wanted to do when the alarm went off 6 short hours after I got to sleep, at 6am, was to get up and run. The LAST thing I wanted to do was to get up and have to run hard. Plus, being somewhere new that I don't know, and don't know where I can 'let it all out' on the road is always tough. I am in Geneva, spending a straight week at long conference sessions (that are not in any way interactive!) and they are demanding on my psyche - as such I didn't feel I had it in me to focus or push hard.
But I had a glimmer of hope - on the map it looked like there was a small park with a loop that I thought might work. So off I went, grumbling all the way! Turns out, the loop was very small - smaller than a lap around the track - but as I started, it actually was coming together rather well, about which I was surprised. While the loop was tiny, it at least allowed me to shut off my brain and not have to think about the roads or traffic or anything else. It wasn't even either, with a bit of a hill up one side, but that meant it was downhill on the other side, and I didn't have to push too hard against resistance. If my Garmin was accurate (sometimes I think it wants to conspire against having to run as well!) then I did pretty well, averaging about 5:40 mile pace on the 6 min reps (x3) and 5:30 on the 3 min reps (x4). I didn't know how many laps there were going to be, so there was no counting down, there was just listening to music and getting to the next rest period.
Things get hard and we have to find a way to get through it, and sometimes that means shutting off and just pushing on without thinking too much about it. It might hurt like hell, but there will come a time when it is over.
Some days running seems unusually difficult, like I have never been good at it, and I will never be good at it. It is days like these that I need to have a good run, that I enjoy, or hurt but feel accomplished by the end. Today was one of these - I hated starting, but I loved finishing, and I could congratulate myself on going hard and finishing, without cheating or quitting early (which are also too easy on hard days on my own). There will come a day when my running will be just for fun, without pressures applied by myself. Or maybe there won't. But today isn't one of those days - today I kept pushing on.
Tuesday, 21 June 2011
On these urban streets I do run
Well I am back in London, like it or not. It feels strange to say the least.
Time at home wrapped up pretty well if a bit emotional. I had a nice send off by the girls on the Swifts which was great. They really are so much fun and such a good team of which to be part- inspiring and inviting - I do hope to be a more permanent fixture at some stage, as I promised I would become. We had a good and hard long run the net morning which was a challenge, but good fun. Needless to say, my efforts in running struggled a bit the rest of the week without them!!
I had to miss track to go with Dad to his appointment with the oncologist. It was a fairly positive one I guess - things on the inside still looking about the same: heart function weak (despite being twice normal size!!) hence lots of fluid buildup, but lungs looking about the same if not a bit better. He got an Rx for a new pain relieving patch and we were laughing at the fact that they give discounts even to people who make $150k!! But he got it and seems to be helping ease his knee and leg pain. He also went in a couple days later to get the fluid drained off his belly - in all they got nearly 4 litres!! That is literally like a good-sized baby! No wonder he has been feeling tired and a bit bloated and heavy. A relief they got that much since last time they tried it didn't result in much.
So I guess I felt okay leaving him like that, at least knowing that things hadn't gotten worse. He continues to surprise the docs, which I think is a good thing but he admitted being a bit concerned about it - if things turn bad again, how do we recreate what we did this time?
Saying goodbye was a bit shaky bur not quite as emotional as I had expected it to be. Dad and LP and JM took me out there and there were definitely tears shed but I think we all felt a bit better due to the fact that I will be back pretty soon. I am so glad I booked that trip - it is a light at the end of this tunnel for me, not that in any way I expect that goodbye to be any easier!
The journey home was about as bad as it could have been. I stayed a night in seattle with CM which was nice - good to see his set up and meet his roomie, etc. But that night I got ridiculously sick and had to get up about 4 times in the night. And I am not a good sick person, spending most of the night moaning and tossing and turning. I don't think either of us slept more than an hour before I got up at 5:30. The airport was pure madness too, demanding way too much energy than I had. Luckily I survived and managed to sleep most if both flights, feeling quite a lot better by the time I arrived.
After delays and all normal airport drama, I got to paddington about 2 hours later- didn't know that MJ would have tromped to the station to find me only to have me show up late!! Finally made it to his and gathered up Mr Art Vandelay and all his accessories. Riding through the early morning London streets was not the nicest welcome back- often times I get a thrill from the urban-ness, but this time I just welled up, missing home. Luckily it was a gorgeous day or I might have turned right back around! (ironic in that it was chucking it down at home then). The flat was in a state that can only be recreated when left unoccupied for six months- not anyone's fault, just grimy and dirty. The kitchen stunk to high heaven, and still does due to the small infiltrators of the Rodentia family - buggers better have enjoyed it since Mr Art has been instructed to take no prisoners!!
Anyway, I spent most of the day tidying up and trying to unpack - kept myself busy so as not to get too down. It was a really nice day and while a run was always on the list of things to do, I couldn't face it for some reason.
I missed my friends and loved ones, and I wanted to be in that mindset, I guess, so I didn't want the sun in my face or the the accomplished feeling. I wanted to mope.
But I woke up bright and ready at 5am today, despite efforts not to. And it seemed like the right thing to do, since it couldn't get done any other time. So off I went for an easy run to reacquaint myself with urban running.
I left the IPod behind since the old one due to replace the two newer broken/gone ones was charging, plus I didn't see it being the best idea when I'm used to the calmer streets of Spokane. And I should try to soak it in.
Differences/observations include but weren't limited to:
- it didn't feel nearly as easy as I thought it should have, seeing as I spent 6 months running an extra 2500 ft up.
- I don't usually get hollered at by bums in Spokane.
- the anonymity of urban living allows a lot more trash to accumulate on the residential streets of London- one would think people still wouldn't want to litter up the streets they live on, but that's apparently not true.
- I can't run nearly as fast on the streets here
- while the hills of Finsbury Park might be fairly comparable to those or my normal hilly rural route at home, they are not nearly as picturesque or enjoyable.
- there is just way too much to pay attention to when running in a huge city, which really takes away from how much someone can immerse him/herself in the experience itself. But it is still a preferable mode of transport to this bus on which I now sit (not to mention I would have been there ages ago had I been running!)
Anyway, this is quite a ramble and not nearly on the inspirational, thought-provoking level the last one was on. I just have to throw myself back in it- the whole London experience. Whether I want to be here or not, I am here, at least for the forseeable future, and it won't do me any good to wish otherwise right now. So as I run to the track tomorrow night in seemingly grotty Wood Green, I'll try to keep the clean Spokane air in my head and let myself be here too.
Time at home wrapped up pretty well if a bit emotional. I had a nice send off by the girls on the Swifts which was great. They really are so much fun and such a good team of which to be part- inspiring and inviting - I do hope to be a more permanent fixture at some stage, as I promised I would become. We had a good and hard long run the net morning which was a challenge, but good fun. Needless to say, my efforts in running struggled a bit the rest of the week without them!!
I had to miss track to go with Dad to his appointment with the oncologist. It was a fairly positive one I guess - things on the inside still looking about the same: heart function weak (despite being twice normal size!!) hence lots of fluid buildup, but lungs looking about the same if not a bit better. He got an Rx for a new pain relieving patch and we were laughing at the fact that they give discounts even to people who make $150k!! But he got it and seems to be helping ease his knee and leg pain. He also went in a couple days later to get the fluid drained off his belly - in all they got nearly 4 litres!! That is literally like a good-sized baby! No wonder he has been feeling tired and a bit bloated and heavy. A relief they got that much since last time they tried it didn't result in much.
So I guess I felt okay leaving him like that, at least knowing that things hadn't gotten worse. He continues to surprise the docs, which I think is a good thing but he admitted being a bit concerned about it - if things turn bad again, how do we recreate what we did this time?
Saying goodbye was a bit shaky bur not quite as emotional as I had expected it to be. Dad and LP and JM took me out there and there were definitely tears shed but I think we all felt a bit better due to the fact that I will be back pretty soon. I am so glad I booked that trip - it is a light at the end of this tunnel for me, not that in any way I expect that goodbye to be any easier!
The journey home was about as bad as it could have been. I stayed a night in seattle with CM which was nice - good to see his set up and meet his roomie, etc. But that night I got ridiculously sick and had to get up about 4 times in the night. And I am not a good sick person, spending most of the night moaning and tossing and turning. I don't think either of us slept more than an hour before I got up at 5:30. The airport was pure madness too, demanding way too much energy than I had. Luckily I survived and managed to sleep most if both flights, feeling quite a lot better by the time I arrived.
After delays and all normal airport drama, I got to paddington about 2 hours later- didn't know that MJ would have tromped to the station to find me only to have me show up late!! Finally made it to his and gathered up Mr Art Vandelay and all his accessories. Riding through the early morning London streets was not the nicest welcome back- often times I get a thrill from the urban-ness, but this time I just welled up, missing home. Luckily it was a gorgeous day or I might have turned right back around! (ironic in that it was chucking it down at home then). The flat was in a state that can only be recreated when left unoccupied for six months- not anyone's fault, just grimy and dirty. The kitchen stunk to high heaven, and still does due to the small infiltrators of the Rodentia family - buggers better have enjoyed it since Mr Art has been instructed to take no prisoners!!
Anyway, I spent most of the day tidying up and trying to unpack - kept myself busy so as not to get too down. It was a really nice day and while a run was always on the list of things to do, I couldn't face it for some reason.
I missed my friends and loved ones, and I wanted to be in that mindset, I guess, so I didn't want the sun in my face or the the accomplished feeling. I wanted to mope.
But I woke up bright and ready at 5am today, despite efforts not to. And it seemed like the right thing to do, since it couldn't get done any other time. So off I went for an easy run to reacquaint myself with urban running.
I left the IPod behind since the old one due to replace the two newer broken/gone ones was charging, plus I didn't see it being the best idea when I'm used to the calmer streets of Spokane. And I should try to soak it in.
Differences/observations include but weren't limited to:
- it didn't feel nearly as easy as I thought it should have, seeing as I spent 6 months running an extra 2500 ft up.
- I don't usually get hollered at by bums in Spokane.
- the anonymity of urban living allows a lot more trash to accumulate on the residential streets of London- one would think people still wouldn't want to litter up the streets they live on, but that's apparently not true.
- I can't run nearly as fast on the streets here
- while the hills of Finsbury Park might be fairly comparable to those or my normal hilly rural route at home, they are not nearly as picturesque or enjoyable.
- there is just way too much to pay attention to when running in a huge city, which really takes away from how much someone can immerse him/herself in the experience itself. But it is still a preferable mode of transport to this bus on which I now sit (not to mention I would have been there ages ago had I been running!)
Anyway, this is quite a ramble and not nearly on the inspirational, thought-provoking level the last one was on. I just have to throw myself back in it- the whole London experience. Whether I want to be here or not, I am here, at least for the forseeable future, and it won't do me any good to wish otherwise right now. So as I run to the track tomorrow night in seemingly grotty Wood Green, I'll try to keep the clean Spokane air in my head and let myself be here too.
Friday, 10 June 2011
No Games, just Sport
Let's see if I can get this stream of consciousness to make any sense....
So, tonight was my last night of Flying Irish, and I was reflecting on how great it was to find that group. They are genuinely nice people - actually all the running groups I have met have been. There might be some competitive edge there, but it is healthy, and people are just happy for one another to succeed. It is really positive, and motivating to be around. Same with Serps, and Swifts, of course. I am consistently humbled by how hard they work, and the lengths they will go to, often for little shot at glory beyond personal victory and sense of achievement.
And then I got thinking about sport in general, and how it feeds the soul and how much it can actually prepare us for life's greater challenges (I agree with JM that it is Real Life drama.) Under what other circumstances would people put themselves through actual physical pain other than sport, by choice? (Okay, maybe some strange people might do so in other circumstances, but that is not really the norm. Or probably circumstances I would feel comfortable discussing here!). Either way, the fact is, sports involve a lot of pain and anguish, a lot of pushing bodies to the limits, actual breakdown in many instances. Undoubtedly there are countless images Google could find us in nanoseconds showing frustration, pain, tears, twisted faces, even blood and guts, all associated with sport. Non-athletes would never get it, and might wonder why people would choose to put them through some of these states, and possibly with good reason. Most times there isn't even an award involved!! Most of us aren't professional, and would never even consider trying to be. (I love those NCAA commercials: 'And 99% of us will be professional in something other than sports'). We just DO it, for a million reasons: the thrill, the adrenaline rush, the personal gain, the competitive spirit, the love of the game. We love the feeling we get before, during, and after. Not an event has gone by - running, skiing, game involving some ball - that I can remember when I didn't have butterflies and at some stage thought to myself, 'Why do I do this? I hate it, I wish I could just quit and be a normal person, just okay to go out for a run.' But part of me feeds on that - all those emotions are what make it what it is, and make me love it. Even the horrible ones, and the seconds that go by when I think to myself, 'I am not good enough to succeed at this.'
Those seconds are the ones that prepare us, and challenge us, for real life. Sport is preparing us for real life. I just think about how much we can learn through sport - the anguish, the losing, the winning, the sportsmanship, the camaraderie. There are so many lessons, and I love to think about how much I have learned about myself and the world around me because of my involvement in sport. Of course, that isn't to say it is for everyone, but everyone must have those same aspects in their lives that make them run a similar gamut of emotions - butterflies, elation, disappointment, fear, achievement, victory. It is all of those feelings that make us want to succeed and push forward.
So at the same time, I am thinking about how the last six months have progressed. Never in a MILLION years would I have foreseen it would look now like it really does. When I got here, I had no hope for Dad's survival - I know, that is a horrible thing to say!! But things were THAT bleak, that I just didn't see it being possible. I didn't for a second think I would be leaving here with him to come back to, and I didn't think he would have had a chance at recovering how he has. It really is incredible. And I think it is down to the human spirit that lives within him. I have a feeling (though I haven't asked him) that he definitely went through a period (that could have been quite long) where he also thought he was nearing the end, and was done for. That the situation was grim (duh, cancer with no treatment options??) and there was no reason to get one's hopes up.
I don't know what it was that turned his mindset around, or if it even could have been one thing - likely not. But the fact is, he is living up to one of the greatest challenges that can be put in front of anyone. He is laughing in the face of his ailment, and he is succeeding. It might not be for years, or even months, but he has turned his attitude around and brought himself out of the terminal 'two-week' existence he was placed into, and he is doing better now than he has for ages. I don't know if it is down to sport - I doubt he has thought of that - but I am certain it is down to telling himself, 'Dammit, I am tougher than this. I am not ready to go down, I haven't reached my limits.' That is how Dad is. That is how challenges prepare us - we lose some battles, but most of us get back out to fight the war, to persevere, and to prove to ourselves, and everyone around us, that we aren't weak and we aren't giving in.
When we were at Grandma's burial, on a lovely day, in Santa Rosa, there were just a few of us - 15 maybe - gathered at the gravesite where her ashes were to be buried alongside Grandpa. I was a wreck, and I sat and held Dad's hand. He tapped me and pointed to a headstone about 25 yards away. All it said, in big letters, was 'Attitude is Everything'. And he said, 'See? Attitude IS everything.' That is how Dad is.
Life is uncertain, and we never know how long we are going to get to be with the people we love. I am leaving next Friday trusting that I will see my dad again. Of course, I never know for sure. But I have to leave thinking that I can do this, I can face this challenge - he has to too, and we will march forward, for as long as we can. And to this, and the other challenges I have faced and will face in the future, I say, 'I am good enough to succeed at this.'
So, tonight was my last night of Flying Irish, and I was reflecting on how great it was to find that group. They are genuinely nice people - actually all the running groups I have met have been. There might be some competitive edge there, but it is healthy, and people are just happy for one another to succeed. It is really positive, and motivating to be around. Same with Serps, and Swifts, of course. I am consistently humbled by how hard they work, and the lengths they will go to, often for little shot at glory beyond personal victory and sense of achievement.
And then I got thinking about sport in general, and how it feeds the soul and how much it can actually prepare us for life's greater challenges (I agree with JM that it is Real Life drama.) Under what other circumstances would people put themselves through actual physical pain other than sport, by choice? (Okay, maybe some strange people might do so in other circumstances, but that is not really the norm. Or probably circumstances I would feel comfortable discussing here!). Either way, the fact is, sports involve a lot of pain and anguish, a lot of pushing bodies to the limits, actual breakdown in many instances. Undoubtedly there are countless images Google could find us in nanoseconds showing frustration, pain, tears, twisted faces, even blood and guts, all associated with sport. Non-athletes would never get it, and might wonder why people would choose to put them through some of these states, and possibly with good reason. Most times there isn't even an award involved!! Most of us aren't professional, and would never even consider trying to be. (I love those NCAA commercials: 'And 99% of us will be professional in something other than sports'). We just DO it, for a million reasons: the thrill, the adrenaline rush, the personal gain, the competitive spirit, the love of the game. We love the feeling we get before, during, and after. Not an event has gone by - running, skiing, game involving some ball - that I can remember when I didn't have butterflies and at some stage thought to myself, 'Why do I do this? I hate it, I wish I could just quit and be a normal person, just okay to go out for a run.' But part of me feeds on that - all those emotions are what make it what it is, and make me love it. Even the horrible ones, and the seconds that go by when I think to myself, 'I am not good enough to succeed at this.'
Those seconds are the ones that prepare us, and challenge us, for real life. Sport is preparing us for real life. I just think about how much we can learn through sport - the anguish, the losing, the winning, the sportsmanship, the camaraderie. There are so many lessons, and I love to think about how much I have learned about myself and the world around me because of my involvement in sport. Of course, that isn't to say it is for everyone, but everyone must have those same aspects in their lives that make them run a similar gamut of emotions - butterflies, elation, disappointment, fear, achievement, victory. It is all of those feelings that make us want to succeed and push forward.
So at the same time, I am thinking about how the last six months have progressed. Never in a MILLION years would I have foreseen it would look now like it really does. When I got here, I had no hope for Dad's survival - I know, that is a horrible thing to say!! But things were THAT bleak, that I just didn't see it being possible. I didn't for a second think I would be leaving here with him to come back to, and I didn't think he would have had a chance at recovering how he has. It really is incredible. And I think it is down to the human spirit that lives within him. I have a feeling (though I haven't asked him) that he definitely went through a period (that could have been quite long) where he also thought he was nearing the end, and was done for. That the situation was grim (duh, cancer with no treatment options??) and there was no reason to get one's hopes up.
I don't know what it was that turned his mindset around, or if it even could have been one thing - likely not. But the fact is, he is living up to one of the greatest challenges that can be put in front of anyone. He is laughing in the face of his ailment, and he is succeeding. It might not be for years, or even months, but he has turned his attitude around and brought himself out of the terminal 'two-week' existence he was placed into, and he is doing better now than he has for ages. I don't know if it is down to sport - I doubt he has thought of that - but I am certain it is down to telling himself, 'Dammit, I am tougher than this. I am not ready to go down, I haven't reached my limits.' That is how Dad is. That is how challenges prepare us - we lose some battles, but most of us get back out to fight the war, to persevere, and to prove to ourselves, and everyone around us, that we aren't weak and we aren't giving in.
When we were at Grandma's burial, on a lovely day, in Santa Rosa, there were just a few of us - 15 maybe - gathered at the gravesite where her ashes were to be buried alongside Grandpa. I was a wreck, and I sat and held Dad's hand. He tapped me and pointed to a headstone about 25 yards away. All it said, in big letters, was 'Attitude is Everything'. And he said, 'See? Attitude IS everything.' That is how Dad is.
Life is uncertain, and we never know how long we are going to get to be with the people we love. I am leaving next Friday trusting that I will see my dad again. Of course, I never know for sure. But I have to leave thinking that I can do this, I can face this challenge - he has to too, and we will march forward, for as long as we can. And to this, and the other challenges I have faced and will face in the future, I say, 'I am good enough to succeed at this.'
Sunday, 29 May 2011
Redeemed! And a winner
Aha, such a better way to write a post - successful! I feel so pleased, and so much better about this race, it is amazing - I literally felt like a different person and a different racer - it is how I want to feel after all of the races!
So I opted to do the Coeur d' Alene half marathon after the last debacle and mental breakdown. Again, it was a gorgeous day, sunny, cool, light breeze. A bunch of the Swift girls were running too, so we carpooled out there early this morning, and HL and I decided to try to run together and to start out slower since we both have a tendency to go out too fast. I think that helped me a lot, to be honest, and I was still feeling really good at halfway. It was a nice course in that it was out and back with some little loops, so we ran against the flow of the rest of the runners. They were all so positive, cheering for me as the first girl, and it was a big boost!!
I pulled away in the second half, and ran a couple 6.10 miles, still feeling strong with it. In the end, my time was a bit slower than I had hoped (85.21) but I was pleased at least in staying strong and feeling positive. Also, my Garmin had the course as 13.39 miles, and a couple other people thought it was a bit long too - I won't assume that is the truth, but if it was, it could definitely make a 2-minute difference. Even one minute would put me in there with where I wanted to be. In the end, my splits (which were a bit off due to laps not matching miles as marked) were: 6:19, 24, 27, 24, 30, 31, 21, 10, 05, 39, 10, 28, 25, 08 (last .44!) - average 6.22 pace.
I did use the Ipod today, which helped a lot too - I swear it just helps take my mind to nice places and keep going! Plus, I ended on Sandstorm, which I love :)
In the end I won the ladies (and some good prizes!) and I think I was 11th overall - so very pleased, at least for the boost it gives me mentally.
In running things lately, they had still been a bit up and down - track workouts hard and failing, tempo runs harder and more achievable, but still not feeling amazing. I have been having some IT band stuff going on, so need to be doing some more strengthening (I have slacked there for sure) but luckily my calf seems to have turned a corner and is feeling 100% better - not sure what that is down to but not going to ask questions! :) Keep moving upward!
As for home life, things are going pretty well - we had a great time last weekend in California. The two services were hard, but lovely, and B and E did great eulogies - really nice things to say. Many tears were shed, but there was lots of happiness too. And I had such a great time seeing the family. They loved having dad and C there - it had been 16 years in some instances! This was the first all of the cousin's had been together in that long at least. We went out on Saturday, (some) of us drank too much, and had a great time. Grandma would have loved it. So would have Mom and Grandpa - it was really great.
I am trying to prepare myself to leave in just over two weeks. It is going to be so hard, and such a part of me thinks that this really feels right, or could for the long term. That isn't a bad thing, though, and personally this time has been so good for me to feel that way - like I could see living here again. It has been such a huge boost having all my friends and making new friends - it could definitely feel like home, again, which makes me excited. My time in London isn't done yet, but when it is, I know one place where my heart will feel right.
So I opted to do the Coeur d' Alene half marathon after the last debacle and mental breakdown. Again, it was a gorgeous day, sunny, cool, light breeze. A bunch of the Swift girls were running too, so we carpooled out there early this morning, and HL and I decided to try to run together and to start out slower since we both have a tendency to go out too fast. I think that helped me a lot, to be honest, and I was still feeling really good at halfway. It was a nice course in that it was out and back with some little loops, so we ran against the flow of the rest of the runners. They were all so positive, cheering for me as the first girl, and it was a big boost!!
I pulled away in the second half, and ran a couple 6.10 miles, still feeling strong with it. In the end, my time was a bit slower than I had hoped (85.21) but I was pleased at least in staying strong and feeling positive. Also, my Garmin had the course as 13.39 miles, and a couple other people thought it was a bit long too - I won't assume that is the truth, but if it was, it could definitely make a 2-minute difference. Even one minute would put me in there with where I wanted to be. In the end, my splits (which were a bit off due to laps not matching miles as marked) were: 6:19, 24, 27, 24, 30, 31, 21, 10, 05, 39, 10, 28, 25, 08 (last .44!) - average 6.22 pace.
I did use the Ipod today, which helped a lot too - I swear it just helps take my mind to nice places and keep going! Plus, I ended on Sandstorm, which I love :)
In the end I won the ladies (and some good prizes!) and I think I was 11th overall - so very pleased, at least for the boost it gives me mentally.
In running things lately, they had still been a bit up and down - track workouts hard and failing, tempo runs harder and more achievable, but still not feeling amazing. I have been having some IT band stuff going on, so need to be doing some more strengthening (I have slacked there for sure) but luckily my calf seems to have turned a corner and is feeling 100% better - not sure what that is down to but not going to ask questions! :) Keep moving upward!
As for home life, things are going pretty well - we had a great time last weekend in California. The two services were hard, but lovely, and B and E did great eulogies - really nice things to say. Many tears were shed, but there was lots of happiness too. And I had such a great time seeing the family. They loved having dad and C there - it had been 16 years in some instances! This was the first all of the cousin's had been together in that long at least. We went out on Saturday, (some) of us drank too much, and had a great time. Grandma would have loved it. So would have Mom and Grandpa - it was really great.
I am trying to prepare myself to leave in just over two weeks. It is going to be so hard, and such a part of me thinks that this really feels right, or could for the long term. That isn't a bad thing, though, and personally this time has been so good for me to feel that way - like I could see living here again. It has been such a huge boost having all my friends and making new friends - it could definitely feel like home, again, which makes me excited. My time in London isn't done yet, but when it is, I know one place where my heart will feel right.
Saturday, 14 May 2011
DNF
Well, I don't like those letters, and I don't like the fact that tomorrow or today when results are posted, they are going to be next to my name. I don't think they have been since I was a young ski racer and inevitably bombed out in some race. They have definitely not been next to my name in a running race, not even when I had to practically crawl to the marathon finish a couple years ago!
The latest race, obviously, didn't go according to plan. I will admit first and foremost that I was not focused on it, and probably didn't give myself the time to prepare myself that it needed. Having not raced a half-marathon for over 2 years, I wasn't thinking about what I needed to do.
I won't make excuses (or yeah, I probably will try!), but I can't lie and say that the fact that Grandma died two days ago didn't affect me. I was upset on the day, for sure, but felt that I was coping pretty well. But when I was out there and the wheels started coming off at mile 5 or so, any negative thought was creeping in, and that was at the forefront. I would have liked to think that I could have used it as motivation to fuel me and drive me forward, but I couldn't, or didn't. Anyway, so maybe my mind was elsewhere. Scratch that, I KNOW that my mind was elsewhere and I HOPE that I can regain focus going forward.
As for the details of the race itself, I was running the Windermere 1/2 marathon - it was a lovely day, strong wind which ended up being at our backs, and an undulating course along the Centennial Trail. It had the makings to be a pretty good race for me - I felt strong in the first 4 miles with 6:10-6:20 pace. But I started to feel depleted pretty early, hydrated but hungry, and my legs felt like there was absolutely nothing in them, and they were really achy (ironically and typical, my calf felt pretty damn good, even in the warm up!). I had a lot of negative talk going through my head, and the 'Just go ahead and stop' thoughts that I get in lots of races that feel hard didn't go away this time, and I gave in.
I stopped at Mile 11 - it was obvious it wasn't going to be a PB, so some part of me thought it justifiable to just stop early. When I did stop, I was overwhelmed with anger and emotion, feeling that I had failed myself, and everyone else (I know, that is always a silly but real consideration in keeping going). Part of me is okay with my decision - finishing would not have filled me with any sense of accomplishment - I know I can run the distance, so wasn't out for that, I just would have been pissed off by my time and feeling I failed in it (regardless of if it was still a decent time). Plus, by doing this, I essentially did a hard 11 mile tempo run, and my body won't be so depleted that I can't go out next week and work hard.
But another part of me is obviously really frustrated. How could I let myself down? How could I just give in so easily? It is supposed to be hard, and not surprising that it would hurt, so couldn't I push myself through that? And if not, how can I expect to next time?
Either way, it is done now and I have to accept my decision. There will be more races, and more opportunities to prove myself (to myself). Regardless of if it was 'right' or not, I have to live with it and go forward.
Elsewhere, yeah obviously this week was a bit tumultuous. Grandma's passing was not necessarily a surprise, but a big blow nonetheless. She had had a surgery later in the year, and I am not sure as to whether or not the issues this time were result of this or not. She went into the hospital a couple weeks ago and was on a steady decline. We had optimistically hoped we could make it to see her, getting tickets for Dad, Cory and me for Memorial Day weekend. In the end, it wasn't to be - she knew we had plans to come though, and was pleased with that, so that is some consolation. However, I feel very guilty having not called her on Mother's Day or been closer recently. I am just sad that she is gone - she was such a genuine and caring person, passing no judgment on anyone and only wanting the best for anyone around her. Just a sincere and good person. I loved her.
We are going down for the memorial next week, and in spite of the sad circumstances, it will be good to get to see everyone, and to gain some closure. I am really looking forward to seeing them all, hard though it will inevitably be. And then hopefully onward and upward from there, in many respects. DNF can also mean: do not fret, do not forget, and do not fail.
The latest race, obviously, didn't go according to plan. I will admit first and foremost that I was not focused on it, and probably didn't give myself the time to prepare myself that it needed. Having not raced a half-marathon for over 2 years, I wasn't thinking about what I needed to do.
I won't make excuses (or yeah, I probably will try!), but I can't lie and say that the fact that Grandma died two days ago didn't affect me. I was upset on the day, for sure, but felt that I was coping pretty well. But when I was out there and the wheels started coming off at mile 5 or so, any negative thought was creeping in, and that was at the forefront. I would have liked to think that I could have used it as motivation to fuel me and drive me forward, but I couldn't, or didn't. Anyway, so maybe my mind was elsewhere. Scratch that, I KNOW that my mind was elsewhere and I HOPE that I can regain focus going forward.
As for the details of the race itself, I was running the Windermere 1/2 marathon - it was a lovely day, strong wind which ended up being at our backs, and an undulating course along the Centennial Trail. It had the makings to be a pretty good race for me - I felt strong in the first 4 miles with 6:10-6:20 pace. But I started to feel depleted pretty early, hydrated but hungry, and my legs felt like there was absolutely nothing in them, and they were really achy (ironically and typical, my calf felt pretty damn good, even in the warm up!). I had a lot of negative talk going through my head, and the 'Just go ahead and stop' thoughts that I get in lots of races that feel hard didn't go away this time, and I gave in.
I stopped at Mile 11 - it was obvious it wasn't going to be a PB, so some part of me thought it justifiable to just stop early. When I did stop, I was overwhelmed with anger and emotion, feeling that I had failed myself, and everyone else (I know, that is always a silly but real consideration in keeping going). Part of me is okay with my decision - finishing would not have filled me with any sense of accomplishment - I know I can run the distance, so wasn't out for that, I just would have been pissed off by my time and feeling I failed in it (regardless of if it was still a decent time). Plus, by doing this, I essentially did a hard 11 mile tempo run, and my body won't be so depleted that I can't go out next week and work hard.
But another part of me is obviously really frustrated. How could I let myself down? How could I just give in so easily? It is supposed to be hard, and not surprising that it would hurt, so couldn't I push myself through that? And if not, how can I expect to next time?
Either way, it is done now and I have to accept my decision. There will be more races, and more opportunities to prove myself (to myself). Regardless of if it was 'right' or not, I have to live with it and go forward.
Elsewhere, yeah obviously this week was a bit tumultuous. Grandma's passing was not necessarily a surprise, but a big blow nonetheless. She had had a surgery later in the year, and I am not sure as to whether or not the issues this time were result of this or not. She went into the hospital a couple weeks ago and was on a steady decline. We had optimistically hoped we could make it to see her, getting tickets for Dad, Cory and me for Memorial Day weekend. In the end, it wasn't to be - she knew we had plans to come though, and was pleased with that, so that is some consolation. However, I feel very guilty having not called her on Mother's Day or been closer recently. I am just sad that she is gone - she was such a genuine and caring person, passing no judgment on anyone and only wanting the best for anyone around her. Just a sincere and good person. I loved her.
We are going down for the memorial next week, and in spite of the sad circumstances, it will be good to get to see everyone, and to gain some closure. I am really looking forward to seeing them all, hard though it will inevitably be. And then hopefully onward and upward from there, in many respects. DNF can also mean: do not fret, do not forget, and do not fail.
Thursday, 5 May 2011
More on bloomsday
I couldn't get that to work - I figured I could type into there, but maybe not.
Anyway, felt I should write some about the big race, and everything else going on. Of course it is after 11pm and I am not going to make it through much, since that is me and I suck at this.
But in a nutshell, Bloomsday is a super tough race. Apparently this was my fifth time doing it, and I didn't notice that before?? I guess I have never been putting in a decent effort.
I got to start with the elite women based on my time in previous races - good in that we got to start 15 minutes ahead of the 50,000+ runners, joggers, and walkers. Bad in that after 2 miles it gets pretty lonely out on that road! I ran with some of the Swift girls and felt confident in the strategy going in. Averaging 6 min miles over the hilly course seemed totally reasonable. Until after the first hill (which I managed okay). But the second, third, and fourth killed me and I never got any speed back!!
It ended up okay - I was 44th female overall, 277 of the whole race (top 0.5%) and ran a 47.46. I was dead though, and it was humbling - I realise that aside from Green Belt and Welsh Castles, I haven't really raced hills, and even those I wasn't really racing to the point of trying to place higher. So this was pretty much the hardest terrain I have ever raced!
It was a fun day - after scattered snow showers (I know, right?? what is this climate change crap??) it ended up a gorgeous sunny day, and LJ and JM came out to cheer for me at the finish, which was great! they even had NJ decorated signs to wave, lucky me :) And while the race was tough, I felt decent about the effort I put forth and am glad I got out and did it. It is a fantastic event, and great to see so many people out enjoying it.
All else is going okay...I have picked the date to return to London, and am having all kinds of mixed emotions about it, as one would expect. I have made a nice little life for myself here in the past 5 months - old and new friends, fun groups of people to keep me active, and rejuvenated appreciation for Spokane. It has been great. Not to mention, obviously, all the time with Dad. It is six weeks out, and I already get teary thinking about saying goodbye to him. I know he is doing really well now but who knows? I hate to think about it possibly being the last goodbye.
I wouldn't take this time back for the world - it is hands down where I needed to be and I will never regret it for a moment. I just worry we have all gotten a bit too used to the idea, and that the reality of me leaving might come crashing down. The last thing I want him to do is have a backslide. I would come back in a heartbeat, of course, but I hate to think about his health declining at all.
At the end of the day, I will be leaving on the best of terms, really - much better than we had anticipated back on Christmas, opening presents and watching It's a Wonderful Life through teary eyes, thinking about how it was likely the last one together. If you would have asked me then, I thought I would be leaving a much more depleted person, having lost one of the most important people in my life. As it is, I will be leaving a much greater person, having helped provide someone dear to me tack on extra memories to the hatful of that have made up a fulfilling and jovial lifetime; I have gotten to spend extra time with one of the greatest people on the planet; I have made some degree of peace with myself for mistakes made in the past; I have gotten to know and be part of the lives of my dear friends, and their children in many cases; I have made new friends, and made better friends with old ones; I have had a lot of tears, a lot of laughs, and a lot of love showered on me, making me feel like one of the luckiest people in the world. I am the better for this time, indeed.
Tuesday, 3 May 2011
Wednesday, 20 April 2011
I am so bad at this blog thing. I don't know how things get so busy, even when I am on holiday for two weeks doing seemingly very little, but they do! And then I collapse in bed in a heap and the last thing I can bring myself to do is blog or journal. I promised I would do it today!
So, I meant to write last Saturday to indicate that it is now the 6-month countdown until the big Eindhoven race, the one I am gunning for. Yikes, it makes me nervous just to think about it - a lot has to come together in six months!! I running friend from here sent through links to two blogs of young women out to qualify, both of whom did and recounted the big race, and it made me nervous just to think about getting shoes on, waiting in the start area, putting bags on the truck, etc. At the end of the day, I just need to work as hard as I can in the build up to it, and if it comes together on the day, that would be fantastic. But there is still a fairly real possibility that it won't, and I have to be okay with that too, knowing that I did the best I could and worked hard.
At the same time, I got invigorated to think about doing it - how fab would that be???
It was a big marathon weekend with London and Boston falling on the same one - lots of Serpies were in London, and I am sad to have missed it, after 5 straight years of being involved. My little buddy CR did Boston and did great - ran a 2.58, which is great since she has long been after a sub-3. Good for her!
And it was a race weekend for me too - big Race for the Cure 5k!! To be fair, I was nervous after the last race, and after having some serious calf issues that made me take a couple days off beforehand; it has just been getting SUPER tight and I couldn't tell if it was bone of muscle pain. KP has helped me out a bit massaging it, and I have tried ot be better about icing and stretching. Turned out to be okay on the day...
I won the women's race, which was an ego boost at least - I ran a 17.59 which I realise isn't amazing, but I was the only woman out in front, so it was hard not to chase someone (I don't know why I can't motivate myself to run down the guys!) and I was very pleased to run that with the other issues that have been going on. Plus there were 9,000 people out (only a few hundred running for times) so it felt good to be out in front. Plus it was a gorgeous day (if brisk, as it keeps insisting on being!) so that helped. All in all, I was pleased with it and it at least makes me feel a bit better about the running.
I swear it was that working out in the gym that did it to me - I don't really think that did me any favours, and I feel SO much better being out on the road every day now!
Anyway, all else is going pretty well - our trip to NC ended up great - it was great to see JM and the family, and uncles and aunts too - it was a lot of fun, and relaxing. Had some nice sun time, which rendered me lobster-esque for the end, but a nice golden now. Plus we ate lots of good food and watched some fun basketball. I ran most of the days and runs I was supposed to, but did get a tad sick of the wind - was always running into it in one direction or another!
Dad is doing really well at the moment - he put on nearly 20 lbs in two weeks!! He has been getting around pretty well and not napping as much. He is determined to get himself to the gym tomorrow, as he wants to work on strengthening his legs. Hey, no probs, I will take him if he is up for it!! he had a scan taken last week, and we find out the results this week, plus he had a cardiology appointment today, which went well - that doc seemed pleased with the state of things. Will see what news comes out of Thursday. But he keeps defying them, even if they do come with bad news, so who knows what to think??
I am doing all right, and am back into my little routine in the Spokane branch of the office. I am enjoying my time here, and really love seeing my friends. I can see this being a reality for me, in the not so distant future, maybe. Not sure what will happen, but it gives me peace of mind to know that it would feel okay to be back. LJ jut moved back with her family, so another one of my nearest and dearest added to the list of Spokanites. It makes it more appealling, and will make it harder to leave, for sure.
I still miss my flat and my routine though, and no doubt when I get back I will fall right back into it and wonder how I stayed away so long. It is hard to be torn between to places, not knowing which I fit best in. We will see, these things all happen for a reason.
Okay, i am too tired. Need to put up some pics....
So, I meant to write last Saturday to indicate that it is now the 6-month countdown until the big Eindhoven race, the one I am gunning for. Yikes, it makes me nervous just to think about it - a lot has to come together in six months!! I running friend from here sent through links to two blogs of young women out to qualify, both of whom did and recounted the big race, and it made me nervous just to think about getting shoes on, waiting in the start area, putting bags on the truck, etc. At the end of the day, I just need to work as hard as I can in the build up to it, and if it comes together on the day, that would be fantastic. But there is still a fairly real possibility that it won't, and I have to be okay with that too, knowing that I did the best I could and worked hard.
At the same time, I got invigorated to think about doing it - how fab would that be???
It was a big marathon weekend with London and Boston falling on the same one - lots of Serpies were in London, and I am sad to have missed it, after 5 straight years of being involved. My little buddy CR did Boston and did great - ran a 2.58, which is great since she has long been after a sub-3. Good for her!
And it was a race weekend for me too - big Race for the Cure 5k!! To be fair, I was nervous after the last race, and after having some serious calf issues that made me take a couple days off beforehand; it has just been getting SUPER tight and I couldn't tell if it was bone of muscle pain. KP has helped me out a bit massaging it, and I have tried ot be better about icing and stretching. Turned out to be okay on the day...
I won the women's race, which was an ego boost at least - I ran a 17.59 which I realise isn't amazing, but I was the only woman out in front, so it was hard not to chase someone (I don't know why I can't motivate myself to run down the guys!) and I was very pleased to run that with the other issues that have been going on. Plus there were 9,000 people out (only a few hundred running for times) so it felt good to be out in front. Plus it was a gorgeous day (if brisk, as it keeps insisting on being!) so that helped. All in all, I was pleased with it and it at least makes me feel a bit better about the running.
I swear it was that working out in the gym that did it to me - I don't really think that did me any favours, and I feel SO much better being out on the road every day now!
Anyway, all else is going pretty well - our trip to NC ended up great - it was great to see JM and the family, and uncles and aunts too - it was a lot of fun, and relaxing. Had some nice sun time, which rendered me lobster-esque for the end, but a nice golden now. Plus we ate lots of good food and watched some fun basketball. I ran most of the days and runs I was supposed to, but did get a tad sick of the wind - was always running into it in one direction or another!
Dad is doing really well at the moment - he put on nearly 20 lbs in two weeks!! He has been getting around pretty well and not napping as much. He is determined to get himself to the gym tomorrow, as he wants to work on strengthening his legs. Hey, no probs, I will take him if he is up for it!! he had a scan taken last week, and we find out the results this week, plus he had a cardiology appointment today, which went well - that doc seemed pleased with the state of things. Will see what news comes out of Thursday. But he keeps defying them, even if they do come with bad news, so who knows what to think??
I am doing all right, and am back into my little routine in the Spokane branch of the office. I am enjoying my time here, and really love seeing my friends. I can see this being a reality for me, in the not so distant future, maybe. Not sure what will happen, but it gives me peace of mind to know that it would feel okay to be back. LJ jut moved back with her family, so another one of my nearest and dearest added to the list of Spokanites. It makes it more appealling, and will make it harder to leave, for sure.
I still miss my flat and my routine though, and no doubt when I get back I will fall right back into it and wonder how I stayed away so long. It is hard to be torn between to places, not knowing which I fit best in. We will see, these things all happen for a reason.
Okay, i am too tired. Need to put up some pics....
Tuesday, 29 March 2011
Change of scenery, trying to keep up the pace...
I have been failing on the blog for reals. And I neglected to comment on two facts on the last post: it was St Paddy's Day, and it was the day after mom's diagnosis, 14 years ago. Man, that is crazy to think about....and that that was what I wrote my college entrance personal statements about. Feels so long but so not long ago now.
I am finally having a second to write - I feel like things have kept getting busier and busier. We are now in North Carolina, visiting J and his family - it is great to have a change. I think we were all getting cooped up, and just getting out of town is nice! The weather hasn't been great so far - two days of cold wind and drizzle - but it is bound to pick up and is just nice to be away. We are staying right on the ocean, which is gorgeous and so nice to even get to see the sea!
The running has picked up significantly since the race, and I am pleased about that - I have been trying to make a better effort of it, and really get stuck in. I have been running with a guy who is pretty good, and well-known around the local running community; I am finding it very helpful to have him to help pace me, since 6 min miles are virtually easy for him. It makes me realise how much I am missing out not having my regular track contingency to help me motivate.
It has also been much nicer out, so I haven't had to rely on going to the gym at all lately, and I think just being on the road is helping me stay focused as well as get the miles in. I have just signed up for two more races, a road 5k and Bloomsday, so should be some decent events to target here in the next few weeks.
I also got my first long run out of the way here, yesterday - running 16 miles at sea level seemed pretty easy, even with a headwind on the way back and the rain - just nice and flat and easy, out and back. That is the longest i have run in a while - I need to stay focused on at least 1:45-2 hours for long runs now, so I am told.
So I don't know - a bit of a break and breather seems to be in good order - it is great to see J, and get to spend time with dad and C, before he moves - I am glad he came out with us, and I know dad is too. Dad seems to be faring pretty well; the journey out wasn't as tough as I thought it would be on him, and he didn't seem any more tired than normal - he seems to have been sleeping well, and he is getting around pretty well too. It is just good for us all to have something new, and a change from the mundane routine, which I fear Dad's life as become out of necessity - I know he misses his work, golf, skiing, driving, freedom, etc. All in all, he has taken a lot of it in stride, or at least doesn't complain about anything aloud (sometimes I wish he would a bit more, to be honest, but i know he doesn't like to - his paraplegic father never complained, so he doesn't want to either. Fair enough.)
Anyway, that is about it for now, I suppose. Will endeavour to write more often, for my own sanity's sake - it is nice to have somewhere to just focus my running thoughts.
I am finally having a second to write - I feel like things have kept getting busier and busier. We are now in North Carolina, visiting J and his family - it is great to have a change. I think we were all getting cooped up, and just getting out of town is nice! The weather hasn't been great so far - two days of cold wind and drizzle - but it is bound to pick up and is just nice to be away. We are staying right on the ocean, which is gorgeous and so nice to even get to see the sea!
The running has picked up significantly since the race, and I am pleased about that - I have been trying to make a better effort of it, and really get stuck in. I have been running with a guy who is pretty good, and well-known around the local running community; I am finding it very helpful to have him to help pace me, since 6 min miles are virtually easy for him. It makes me realise how much I am missing out not having my regular track contingency to help me motivate.
It has also been much nicer out, so I haven't had to rely on going to the gym at all lately, and I think just being on the road is helping me stay focused as well as get the miles in. I have just signed up for two more races, a road 5k and Bloomsday, so should be some decent events to target here in the next few weeks.
I also got my first long run out of the way here, yesterday - running 16 miles at sea level seemed pretty easy, even with a headwind on the way back and the rain - just nice and flat and easy, out and back. That is the longest i have run in a while - I need to stay focused on at least 1:45-2 hours for long runs now, so I am told.
So I don't know - a bit of a break and breather seems to be in good order - it is great to see J, and get to spend time with dad and C, before he moves - I am glad he came out with us, and I know dad is too. Dad seems to be faring pretty well; the journey out wasn't as tough as I thought it would be on him, and he didn't seem any more tired than normal - he seems to have been sleeping well, and he is getting around pretty well too. It is just good for us all to have something new, and a change from the mundane routine, which I fear Dad's life as become out of necessity - I know he misses his work, golf, skiing, driving, freedom, etc. All in all, he has taken a lot of it in stride, or at least doesn't complain about anything aloud (sometimes I wish he would a bit more, to be honest, but i know he doesn't like to - his paraplegic father never complained, so he doesn't want to either. Fair enough.)
Anyway, that is about it for now, I suppose. Will endeavour to write more often, for my own sanity's sake - it is nice to have somewhere to just focus my running thoughts.
Thursday, 17 March 2011
All I need to know, I learned from....
Today was a good day. I am not even really sure why - I can't really put my finger on it, but it was a good day. I started off bummed to see an email from DC about my poor performance on Sunday - it confirmed what I had thought, but was difficult all the same (He wasn't mean in any way, just honest, but brutally so - it is okay, I needed it) - I hate to think I have gone backward, but I think it is inevitable.
I worked, I went to the gym, I went to Flying Irish. Made dad food, chatted, watched the hail. He and C went to a movie, which I think was probably more to appease me than anything - I just know how much they used to do it and enjoy it, and it had been a very long time since they had gone out together, so figured they should. I think they both enjoyed it though.
Running was good - it was the St Paddy's day run, so everyone was donning green and in good spirits. We did the Bloomsday course backwards, which just seemed weird - DOWN Doomsday?? But it was fun.
I started thinking about dad tonight, but not getting sad about things, just thinking about him and all the lives he has touched, which we keep hearing about any time we turn around. This one was special though: at his cardiologist's is a very cute bubbly redhead girl who is always very happy and chipper. She obviously has to see some shit, and she doesn't have to always have a smile on, but I haven't seen her without one, ever. I can't even imagine what could get her down. So over the course of the months, year, whathaveyou, she has gotten to see my dad quite a lot. Here is a guy with a terminal illness. He doesn't have to care, he could be like 99% of the people who are cordial but don't pay much attention to the gal at the reception desk - no doubt most people are perfectly friendly, but not as FRIENDS. Not Dad. This poor girl knows my whole life story from his prattling on to her, and he always, ALWAYS asks how she is and what she has been up to, and how is school, etc. He doesn't have to - he could have a shit day and not want to talk, but he does, never fail. He treats her like a human being, because she is one, and he treats her like a friend, because she has become one. For all intents and purposes, she is a stranger, one of the people we brush by in daily life who help us in small ways that we cannot fathom, that we often - most of us - take for granted.
So tonight I saw her at the run, and we chatted, and she asked about him. And she said something that nearly made me cry. She said, of all the hundreds of people she sees each week, month, etc. there are about four people who really stand out to her as special people, who go out of their way to be nice to her and engage her, and Dad is one of them. I wanted to hug her for saying that.
We have been inundated with cards and sentiments from dozens of people who write to Dad to express their sorrow over his illness. People who call him a life-long friend, a dear soul who has touched their lives. In most of the cases, he is their DENTIST!!! But he has come to mean so much to these people because he cares, and he treats people how he would want to be treated, even if it means pushing the cart back into the store in the snow, to save the teenage kid from pushing back one extra late in the evening. He just thinks about others, and really searches for the good in people, each person who comes into his life, be it a bank teller, a cashier, a waitress, a receptionist. He doesn't care who you are, but you have a story, and he is interested, and if you show an ounce of respect and determination, you will earn his. And that is a great feeling.
I worked, I went to the gym, I went to Flying Irish. Made dad food, chatted, watched the hail. He and C went to a movie, which I think was probably more to appease me than anything - I just know how much they used to do it and enjoy it, and it had been a very long time since they had gone out together, so figured they should. I think they both enjoyed it though.
Running was good - it was the St Paddy's day run, so everyone was donning green and in good spirits. We did the Bloomsday course backwards, which just seemed weird - DOWN Doomsday?? But it was fun.
I started thinking about dad tonight, but not getting sad about things, just thinking about him and all the lives he has touched, which we keep hearing about any time we turn around. This one was special though: at his cardiologist's is a very cute bubbly redhead girl who is always very happy and chipper. She obviously has to see some shit, and she doesn't have to always have a smile on, but I haven't seen her without one, ever. I can't even imagine what could get her down. So over the course of the months, year, whathaveyou, she has gotten to see my dad quite a lot. Here is a guy with a terminal illness. He doesn't have to care, he could be like 99% of the people who are cordial but don't pay much attention to the gal at the reception desk - no doubt most people are perfectly friendly, but not as FRIENDS. Not Dad. This poor girl knows my whole life story from his prattling on to her, and he always, ALWAYS asks how she is and what she has been up to, and how is school, etc. He doesn't have to - he could have a shit day and not want to talk, but he does, never fail. He treats her like a human being, because she is one, and he treats her like a friend, because she has become one. For all intents and purposes, she is a stranger, one of the people we brush by in daily life who help us in small ways that we cannot fathom, that we often - most of us - take for granted.
So tonight I saw her at the run, and we chatted, and she asked about him. And she said something that nearly made me cry. She said, of all the hundreds of people she sees each week, month, etc. there are about four people who really stand out to her as special people, who go out of their way to be nice to her and engage her, and Dad is one of them. I wanted to hug her for saying that.
We have been inundated with cards and sentiments from dozens of people who write to Dad to express their sorrow over his illness. People who call him a life-long friend, a dear soul who has touched their lives. In most of the cases, he is their DENTIST!!! But he has come to mean so much to these people because he cares, and he treats people how he would want to be treated, even if it means pushing the cart back into the store in the snow, to save the teenage kid from pushing back one extra late in the evening. He just thinks about others, and really searches for the good in people, each person who comes into his life, be it a bank teller, a cashier, a waitress, a receptionist. He doesn't care who you are, but you have a story, and he is interested, and if you show an ounce of respect and determination, you will earn his. And that is a great feeling.
Monday, 14 March 2011
First raceday back
Well I had a concern, which turned out to be well founded - the first race back after 3.5 months was tough stuff!!
Did the St Paddy's day 5 mile today, which is a great race - it was a gorgeous morning but I was very nervous from the start. I was hoping to run under 30 min but it became obvious at about Mile 2.5 that that wasn't going to happen this time. I was on pace at what DC had suggested I go for for the first two miles, but died soon after crossing the bridge and heading home into the wind. It wasn't really that bad a wind, but seemed strong enough to make a difference and affect me, both mentally and physically. I just felt tired and heavy-legged.
So I finished 5th lady overall and 2nd in my age group, with a 31.07 - I haven't ever run a 5 mile, and considering no women ran sub-30 maybe I shouldn't be too upset, but it would have been nice, and a good ego boost. As a result, it was a bit of a call to action, as I obviously need to work a bit harder while I am over here. I definitely think that the time in the gym, while possibly helping keep me fit, has not been the equivalent to as much running as I normally do. And that I have been skimping on the distance, and the hard stuff, all of which has added up over the past months. Throw in the extra eating and the less daily exercise/movement, and you have one slow(er) Mariah!
I know I shouldn't be too broken up about it, as there have been lots of circumstances that have made things difficult over this time period, but at the same time, it is frustrating, and the working out, or at least the putting in of effort, is within my control.
The good thing is that I have found some options that will hopefully help motivate me - the running folks around here are obviously driven and will provide some challenges for me, as well as help take out some of the mundane workouts I have been doing. So onward and upward, right??
Dad and L came out to watch and cheer, as did the I family - it was great to have support, and definitely helped about 3 miles when I was thinking about DNFing b/c I was frustrated. It was hard work for dad to get out and about, no doubt, and stand in the cold, plus he hadn't slept well since he was nervous for me running!!
All else is going okay - it is countdown to holiday time, which will be good, and a challenge we haven't faced yet - I am hoping that the weather will be nice and warm, and we can just all relax and have a change of scenery. It seems to have been a bit tense here lately. Dad still isn't eating well and has been losing weight again, and it frustrates him and us, I think, that he can't force stuff in. We were supposed to have appointments this week for scans and stuff but they have been postponed until after the trip; I suppose this is good in a way b/c like we want to have bad news hanging over our heads for the trip. But I am anxious to see how, if at all, things have changed since last time - there definitely seems to have been a dip, so I hope that it is nothing too concerning.
Life here was a bit more mellow this week - maybe I just chilled out a bit, or have some other vices that are helping me stay sane. I have been sewing a lot, which is fun - I am not very good, but I enjoy it, and it keeps my mind elsewhere. Getting out of the house is always good, and helpful. I don't know, it ebbs and flows. Ultimately, I know this is the right thing, and I need to be okay with it - this time is invaluable, so I just have to make the most of it for myself personally, and know that this is where i need to be right now.
Me and one of my top fans!
Did the St Paddy's day 5 mile today, which is a great race - it was a gorgeous morning but I was very nervous from the start. I was hoping to run under 30 min but it became obvious at about Mile 2.5 that that wasn't going to happen this time. I was on pace at what DC had suggested I go for for the first two miles, but died soon after crossing the bridge and heading home into the wind. It wasn't really that bad a wind, but seemed strong enough to make a difference and affect me, both mentally and physically. I just felt tired and heavy-legged.
So I finished 5th lady overall and 2nd in my age group, with a 31.07 - I haven't ever run a 5 mile, and considering no women ran sub-30 maybe I shouldn't be too upset, but it would have been nice, and a good ego boost. As a result, it was a bit of a call to action, as I obviously need to work a bit harder while I am over here. I definitely think that the time in the gym, while possibly helping keep me fit, has not been the equivalent to as much running as I normally do. And that I have been skimping on the distance, and the hard stuff, all of which has added up over the past months. Throw in the extra eating and the less daily exercise/movement, and you have one slow(er) Mariah!
I know I shouldn't be too broken up about it, as there have been lots of circumstances that have made things difficult over this time period, but at the same time, it is frustrating, and the working out, or at least the putting in of effort, is within my control.
The good thing is that I have found some options that will hopefully help motivate me - the running folks around here are obviously driven and will provide some challenges for me, as well as help take out some of the mundane workouts I have been doing. So onward and upward, right??
Dad and L came out to watch and cheer, as did the I family - it was great to have support, and definitely helped about 3 miles when I was thinking about DNFing b/c I was frustrated. It was hard work for dad to get out and about, no doubt, and stand in the cold, plus he hadn't slept well since he was nervous for me running!!
All else is going okay - it is countdown to holiday time, which will be good, and a challenge we haven't faced yet - I am hoping that the weather will be nice and warm, and we can just all relax and have a change of scenery. It seems to have been a bit tense here lately. Dad still isn't eating well and has been losing weight again, and it frustrates him and us, I think, that he can't force stuff in. We were supposed to have appointments this week for scans and stuff but they have been postponed until after the trip; I suppose this is good in a way b/c like we want to have bad news hanging over our heads for the trip. But I am anxious to see how, if at all, things have changed since last time - there definitely seems to have been a dip, so I hope that it is nothing too concerning.
Life here was a bit more mellow this week - maybe I just chilled out a bit, or have some other vices that are helping me stay sane. I have been sewing a lot, which is fun - I am not very good, but I enjoy it, and it keeps my mind elsewhere. Getting out of the house is always good, and helpful. I don't know, it ebbs and flows. Ultimately, I know this is the right thing, and I need to be okay with it - this time is invaluable, so I just have to make the most of it for myself personally, and know that this is where i need to be right now.
Me and one of my top fans!
Sunday, 6 March 2011
Struggling to stay on top
That is a bit of a dramatic title, but I have actually felt like it quite a bit this week - it was a hard week.
One thing bad about having a blog (or a personal journal for that matter) is the feeling of guilt when one doesn't write as often as he/she would like. I know I only have two followers, so I shouldn't worry too much about posting, but for my own good, I feel bad not posting - I often want to, and think about it, but like so many things, I seem to lack the time or the motivation, and rarely seem to have both at the same time. Little and often is what I should go for....
This week was about the worst I think there has been. Dad wasn't doing very well, it didn't seem like to me - not eating really at all to speak of. He has lost his appetite over the past couple weeks and also lost weight. Same for him, he is struggling with the 'little and often' idea. I get frustrated and try to force him to eat, which I know isn't the right thing to do - he KNOWS he has to eat. But then I don't get why he just doesn't do it, even if it is forcing it a bit. So I end up frustrated. He has also seemed a lot more tired - we haven't been out of the house with him in nearly a week, and it wears on us all.
So my frustration leads to other things too - I think the dynamics at home have just been a test, affecting my ability to focus on (or care about) my work, and I didn't feel very productive this week. I am also in some weird mood on my own, so feel on the brink of tears most of the time (probably woman-related). The good news is that I did get out and about a few evenings - even when I didn't want to, I got myself out of the house only because I know I will go crazy otherwise.
I ran with the Flying Irish again, which was really good fun! I did the route twice since it was only 3.3 miles on its own. People seemed impressed that I was 5th overall - I ran hard, and it felt good. Of course it decided to be winter again at the early part of the week. Don't get me wrong, I love winter, but I can't deal now - I want spring and sunshine and warmth. So it felt good to be out once the clouds had cleared.
Today was a tough day too - I don't know why I couldn't motivate to get going, but again it was an ugly day at the start and I just didn't have it in me. Rather, I worked on my sewing project and tried to lose myself for a while, which seemed to help. I finally made it out for the run, and to my surprise, it was really good! The sun was out, and it was very warm - I didn't do the long run, but will aim for that tomorrow. Some days I just have to do what I can do, and not fret about it - not worry that I am letting myself or other people down - little and often, for me and for me alone.
One thing bad about having a blog (or a personal journal for that matter) is the feeling of guilt when one doesn't write as often as he/she would like. I know I only have two followers, so I shouldn't worry too much about posting, but for my own good, I feel bad not posting - I often want to, and think about it, but like so many things, I seem to lack the time or the motivation, and rarely seem to have both at the same time. Little and often is what I should go for....
This week was about the worst I think there has been. Dad wasn't doing very well, it didn't seem like to me - not eating really at all to speak of. He has lost his appetite over the past couple weeks and also lost weight. Same for him, he is struggling with the 'little and often' idea. I get frustrated and try to force him to eat, which I know isn't the right thing to do - he KNOWS he has to eat. But then I don't get why he just doesn't do it, even if it is forcing it a bit. So I end up frustrated. He has also seemed a lot more tired - we haven't been out of the house with him in nearly a week, and it wears on us all.
So my frustration leads to other things too - I think the dynamics at home have just been a test, affecting my ability to focus on (or care about) my work, and I didn't feel very productive this week. I am also in some weird mood on my own, so feel on the brink of tears most of the time (probably woman-related). The good news is that I did get out and about a few evenings - even when I didn't want to, I got myself out of the house only because I know I will go crazy otherwise.
I ran with the Flying Irish again, which was really good fun! I did the route twice since it was only 3.3 miles on its own. People seemed impressed that I was 5th overall - I ran hard, and it felt good. Of course it decided to be winter again at the early part of the week. Don't get me wrong, I love winter, but I can't deal now - I want spring and sunshine and warmth. So it felt good to be out once the clouds had cleared.
Today was a tough day too - I don't know why I couldn't motivate to get going, but again it was an ugly day at the start and I just didn't have it in me. Rather, I worked on my sewing project and tried to lose myself for a while, which seemed to help. I finally made it out for the run, and to my surprise, it was really good! The sun was out, and it was very warm - I didn't do the long run, but will aim for that tomorrow. Some days I just have to do what I can do, and not fret about it - not worry that I am letting myself or other people down - little and often, for me and for me alone.
Thursday, 24 February 2011
Team victory!
Well a tribute to the ladies on my team for placing third in the National XC this past weekend. I am super proud of them, of course - they all worked very hard this season. I am just sad that I haven't been around to get to be part of it!
Running here continues to provide its own challenges. I had a great run at the weekend - a long one after what had felt like a long time. It was gorgeous and sunny, which makes a huge difference on my mood and ability to get through it!
I keep seeing this guy everywhere. He is beautiful and such an inspiration - I saw him twice on Saturday! There could be more than one around here but I seem to think it is unlikely. I love having him swoop above me.
I did make it out for some hills yesterday, when the weather was nice, and today it has decided to snow a few inches, so am opting for the gym tonight, if I can motivate for it. I must motivate for it. Just would be nice to have some real spring weather about now!
What else...? I have been looking for some races to take part in while I am here, since it has been months now. The competition in the ones coming up doesn't look necessarily fierce, but maybe some little runs would be good boosts for my ego too! I just need to get out there some more! I am missing my team.....
Dad is doing pretty well this week - we got him out to M's party on Saturday night, which was a lot of fun! He is looking great, but still really tired during the days. He still has problems getting to and staying asleep, so that isn't helping. We have trying to get him down to try the therapy pool, but it hasn't happened yet. Still, if he is staying positive, and mentally feeling okay, that is the biggest thing, I think! I still am battling with the idea of going home, but I worry so much about how he might fare, mentally and thus physically. With C moving too, I don't know how he would do with us both gone. I still try to just focus on day to day - luckily my friends here and being able to work are helping keep me sane!
Running here continues to provide its own challenges. I had a great run at the weekend - a long one after what had felt like a long time. It was gorgeous and sunny, which makes a huge difference on my mood and ability to get through it!
I keep seeing this guy everywhere. He is beautiful and such an inspiration - I saw him twice on Saturday! There could be more than one around here but I seem to think it is unlikely. I love having him swoop above me.
I did make it out for some hills yesterday, when the weather was nice, and today it has decided to snow a few inches, so am opting for the gym tonight, if I can motivate for it. I must motivate for it. Just would be nice to have some real spring weather about now!
What else...? I have been looking for some races to take part in while I am here, since it has been months now. The competition in the ones coming up doesn't look necessarily fierce, but maybe some little runs would be good boosts for my ego too! I just need to get out there some more! I am missing my team.....
Dad is doing pretty well this week - we got him out to M's party on Saturday night, which was a lot of fun! He is looking great, but still really tired during the days. He still has problems getting to and staying asleep, so that isn't helping. We have trying to get him down to try the therapy pool, but it hasn't happened yet. Still, if he is staying positive, and mentally feeling okay, that is the biggest thing, I think! I still am battling with the idea of going home, but I worry so much about how he might fare, mentally and thus physically. With C moving too, I don't know how he would do with us both gone. I still try to just focus on day to day - luckily my friends here and being able to work are helping keep me sane!
Friday, 18 February 2011
Flying Irish!
A couple good days on the running scene, which feels good!
I made it out to the track yesterday and it felt pretty good considering how things have been going - I had to do 1k reps and some 200s which were hard work, but it felt pretty good - it is definitely better getting out and running in real life! My times weren't amazing, but I am not too broken up about it, as it was still pretty cold - about 3 degrees Celcius and I was on my own on a lonely track. Just glad I stuck it out.
And tonight was positive too - I went out to check out this Spokane running club, the Flying Irish. Super fun! They do a pub run around Riverfront Park once a week, and K told me she heard they have some folks that do a longer run on the Bloomsday route. So I checked it out ~ I guess it is the off season but there were probably about 40 folks out there - apparently they get upwards of 400 people out in the spring and summer, supposedly making them the second largest club running night in the world, or something like that. The run was good (but dark) - it was really nice to be out running with some folks who like running! The pub was good fun too - there were lots of chatty people and it was fun to catch up with people to talk about the same things that I do when I am at our pub nights! Makes me miss my guys in London!
Other things are going okay here - dad has been doing pretty well. We did lots of errands in the last couple days which wore him out a bit. But he got lots of time on his feet and had to work his legs a bit. We got to Costco, which is always a joy, and he felt like getting lobster tails, so he and I had a feast last night when everyone else realised they had to be elsewhere! Anything that he gets excited about eating, we try to provide - keep him bulking up!
Else is much the same - weather has been a bit better, and tonight was a gorgeous night with a full moon, which helps!
I made it out to the track yesterday and it felt pretty good considering how things have been going - I had to do 1k reps and some 200s which were hard work, but it felt pretty good - it is definitely better getting out and running in real life! My times weren't amazing, but I am not too broken up about it, as it was still pretty cold - about 3 degrees Celcius and I was on my own on a lonely track. Just glad I stuck it out.
And tonight was positive too - I went out to check out this Spokane running club, the Flying Irish. Super fun! They do a pub run around Riverfront Park once a week, and K told me she heard they have some folks that do a longer run on the Bloomsday route. So I checked it out ~ I guess it is the off season but there were probably about 40 folks out there - apparently they get upwards of 400 people out in the spring and summer, supposedly making them the second largest club running night in the world, or something like that. The run was good (but dark) - it was really nice to be out running with some folks who like running! The pub was good fun too - there were lots of chatty people and it was fun to catch up with people to talk about the same things that I do when I am at our pub nights! Makes me miss my guys in London!
Other things are going okay here - dad has been doing pretty well. We did lots of errands in the last couple days which wore him out a bit. But he got lots of time on his feet and had to work his legs a bit. We got to Costco, which is always a joy, and he felt like getting lobster tails, so he and I had a feast last night when everyone else realised they had to be elsewhere! Anything that he gets excited about eating, we try to provide - keep him bulking up!
Else is much the same - weather has been a bit better, and tonight was a gorgeous night with a full moon, which helps!
Monday, 14 February 2011
Should I stay or should I go now?
I am having a hard time, and at times like this I wish I was capable or making a decision. A hard one. Nothing has really changed in the situation but I feel it looming - the time when I will have to make one of the hardest decisions of my life. Maybe I am being dramatic, and if choosing wrong really would mean such a huge turning point, then that should help me answer the question! But I still feel so at odds with things.
I really miss London, and part of me so wants to go back. But I well up even at the idea of packing my things, no matter what the situation was - leaving Dad or him having left me. I can't stand to even think about it. So then, yes, my answer should be made, I will stay as long as necessary. But why do I feel this pull?
My team won our XC league on Saturday for the first time ever. I am proud of them, of course, but devastated. I don't even like cross country, but I am very sad that they obviously didn't need me to do it, and that so many of them did so well and that I didn't get to be any part of it. I just imagine them all getting stronger and faster and me getting slower. And I miss the camaraderie, obviously (and the pub, even more obviously!) And I see all these races coming up on my calendar that I don't foresee getting to take part in.
And then I just get mad at myself for even thinking about these seemingly trivial things. As if there aren't going to be other races!! Dozens of them, more than I need. As if these things matter in the grand scheme of things. And when I am in a particularly frustrating angel-on-my-shoulder moment, I started thinking that none of that stuff matters - none of my life in London matters! I know that isn't fair, on me, or on any of that which I am part of there. I have made it home, and I love it. But sometimes it just feels like it doesn't matter, and that I shouldn't be so selfish to consider those things more important than my own blood.
I don't know what would happen if I left - maybe I am being overdramatic to think that I have made that much impact, and maybe dad wouldn't take a nose dive for the worse. But the fact is he has improved drastically since I got here, for whatever reason.
We had a tribute XC run this weekend with four racers. K did a great job marking us a course despite the cold and her cold, and for a moment I was in a race, feeling the exhilaration of it, and it was a really good time! It makes me miss the competitive aspect of the races, even those I don't like (even track, which is next nearly!) I just feel out of touch with the reality I felt I know so well, and my comforts and challenges, and I miss my friends and my routine, and my Arty. I just miss my London.
I really miss London, and part of me so wants to go back. But I well up even at the idea of packing my things, no matter what the situation was - leaving Dad or him having left me. I can't stand to even think about it. So then, yes, my answer should be made, I will stay as long as necessary. But why do I feel this pull?
My team won our XC league on Saturday for the first time ever. I am proud of them, of course, but devastated. I don't even like cross country, but I am very sad that they obviously didn't need me to do it, and that so many of them did so well and that I didn't get to be any part of it. I just imagine them all getting stronger and faster and me getting slower. And I miss the camaraderie, obviously (and the pub, even more obviously!) And I see all these races coming up on my calendar that I don't foresee getting to take part in.
And then I just get mad at myself for even thinking about these seemingly trivial things. As if there aren't going to be other races!! Dozens of them, more than I need. As if these things matter in the grand scheme of things. And when I am in a particularly frustrating angel-on-my-shoulder moment, I started thinking that none of that stuff matters - none of my life in London matters! I know that isn't fair, on me, or on any of that which I am part of there. I have made it home, and I love it. But sometimes it just feels like it doesn't matter, and that I shouldn't be so selfish to consider those things more important than my own blood.
I don't know what would happen if I left - maybe I am being overdramatic to think that I have made that much impact, and maybe dad wouldn't take a nose dive for the worse. But the fact is he has improved drastically since I got here, for whatever reason.
We had a tribute XC run this weekend with four racers. K did a great job marking us a course despite the cold and her cold, and for a moment I was in a race, feeling the exhilaration of it, and it was a really good time! It makes me miss the competitive aspect of the races, even those I don't like (even track, which is next nearly!) I just feel out of touch with the reality I felt I know so well, and my comforts and challenges, and I miss my friends and my routine, and my Arty. I just miss my London.
Saturday, 12 February 2011
Laughing in the face of adversity
The weekend in Seattle was ace - such a nice break from things. Not that I needed one too badly, but it was good to get a change of scenery and spent some time in the 'big city' - make me miss my big city!
We had a few appointments for Dad this week. We went in pretty optimistic, since he had been feeling so good lately. Unfortunately we were disappointed somewhat. It is a bit confounding given that on the outside he is doing so much better it seems, but on the inside, things are looking worse. We looked at the CT scan and the bone marrow biopsy reports. The latter were actually good, as it was clear of amyloid! Not sure why it was there before, or if it was misdiagnosed and not really there, but either way, it is clear now which is good news! The CT scan was not such good news though - his right lung that he had all the problems with and surgery on in the fall is about 1/3 the size of the other, so virtually not capable of functioning at all; his heart still has the fluid buildup around it, due to its thicken walls and inability to pump hard enough (this puts him at some risk for congenital heart failure), and the fluid is leaking down and building up in the liver too, but it seemed to be less fluid than 2 months ago, so guess that is good; the major concern, and not sure if really is one yet, but could be, is a small mass in the left, healthy, lung that could be cancer. Another kind of cancer. As if he doesn't have enough to worry about, he has to get another goddamn cancer?? We obviously won't know for a few more weeks - they can't even biopsy it without putting his one working lung at risk, so they just have to gauge by any growth they see in the next scan. As a result of all this, there is really no treatment options that can be pursued at this time. Sigh.
The cardiologist appt was a bit better in that at least things don't look worse. Good news, I suppose?
Dad has seemed to take things okay though. I just told him to be the one that laughs in the face of science - 'We don't know how you seem to feel so good since inside things look a right mess!' He hasn't seemed to be too down about it though, and attitude is such a big thing, so have to work to keep him in good spirits.
So that has comprised much of the week. The rest has been okay. I had continued to be concerned and fretful about the running after last week's poor results. I was nervous even to go outside for fear it would be hard and I would be wheezing. I did some hard work at the gym, but that just isn't the same - it is obvious. But I did my hills today, in the wind and gray and they weren't actually too bad. It felt good to go hard, yet be close to home, knowing that should it hurt, I could stop. I didn't stop, but sometimes knowing that option is there helps - and allows me to laugh in its face too.
Maybe that is part of it all. Laughing when the odds are stacked against you, when life looks too hard, and obstacles look insurmountable. Just go on and laugh.
We had a few appointments for Dad this week. We went in pretty optimistic, since he had been feeling so good lately. Unfortunately we were disappointed somewhat. It is a bit confounding given that on the outside he is doing so much better it seems, but on the inside, things are looking worse. We looked at the CT scan and the bone marrow biopsy reports. The latter were actually good, as it was clear of amyloid! Not sure why it was there before, or if it was misdiagnosed and not really there, but either way, it is clear now which is good news! The CT scan was not such good news though - his right lung that he had all the problems with and surgery on in the fall is about 1/3 the size of the other, so virtually not capable of functioning at all; his heart still has the fluid buildup around it, due to its thicken walls and inability to pump hard enough (this puts him at some risk for congenital heart failure), and the fluid is leaking down and building up in the liver too, but it seemed to be less fluid than 2 months ago, so guess that is good; the major concern, and not sure if really is one yet, but could be, is a small mass in the left, healthy, lung that could be cancer. Another kind of cancer. As if he doesn't have enough to worry about, he has to get another goddamn cancer?? We obviously won't know for a few more weeks - they can't even biopsy it without putting his one working lung at risk, so they just have to gauge by any growth they see in the next scan. As a result of all this, there is really no treatment options that can be pursued at this time. Sigh.
The cardiologist appt was a bit better in that at least things don't look worse. Good news, I suppose?
Dad has seemed to take things okay though. I just told him to be the one that laughs in the face of science - 'We don't know how you seem to feel so good since inside things look a right mess!' He hasn't seemed to be too down about it though, and attitude is such a big thing, so have to work to keep him in good spirits.
So that has comprised much of the week. The rest has been okay. I had continued to be concerned and fretful about the running after last week's poor results. I was nervous even to go outside for fear it would be hard and I would be wheezing. I did some hard work at the gym, but that just isn't the same - it is obvious. But I did my hills today, in the wind and gray and they weren't actually too bad. It felt good to go hard, yet be close to home, knowing that should it hurt, I could stop. I didn't stop, but sometimes knowing that option is there helps - and allows me to laugh in its face too.
Maybe that is part of it all. Laughing when the odds are stacked against you, when life looks too hard, and obstacles look insurmountable. Just go on and laugh.
Saturday, 5 February 2011
Uphill battles
This week has felt tough on the running scene. I am not sure what it is about, but I have to allow myself to have some tough runs too, and to try to push through them. My legs have felt like lead, my heart rate has been racing, and the whole run has felt uphill - go figure after Monday felt so easy!
I am frustrated to have missed most of the XC season. My team got second for the women's last weekend in the Southern Champs and it is not a far-fetched idea to think we might have won had I been there - not to big myself up, but another finisher in the top 20 would have done some damage. So I am bummed about that, and that I think my teammates are racing out in front of me, while I am leading this sedentary life here - doesn't help when the runs feel like such a chore, under tupperware skies. Just feel like it is a bit of a rut, running-wise, for the moment.
Home is okay. Dad was a bit down this week, as all the effort to put back on the weight has plateaued and he has been dropping pounds recently, and quite quickly. It is sort of concerning, as he has been eating fairly well. He started taking diuretics again to help with his swelling, so I hope that is part of the issue, and that it isn't an indication of anything going on inside. I can tell it is depressing him though and that is the last thing he needs. And because we can all sense it, and react to it, it is the last thing any of us need.
We are going back to the doctor's on Tuesday to see about the results from his tests, so let's hope that is positive. I don't really know what to think about the idea of him entering into treatment, let alone the whole experimental treatment stuff - it sort of scares the crap out of me, but we will see - he doesn't want to feel like he is sitting around doing nothing, which of course I can appreciate. I am just scared to death of what it could do, and how he will respond, mentally, physically, etc.
I hope the sun comes out this week - it just seems like it has been a bit of gloom this week. I have my friends, as always, and they help me escape and laugh, but sometimes I feel alone inside my own head. I am in Seattle this weekend for a fun party, and that will be a laugh, and a dose of normality, plus Super Bowl is tomorrow, and that will be great - Dad and L are planning to come out for it too, so hope that will buoy his spirits. Yes, let the sunshine and the road be a bit of a downhill coast for a while.
I am frustrated to have missed most of the XC season. My team got second for the women's last weekend in the Southern Champs and it is not a far-fetched idea to think we might have won had I been there - not to big myself up, but another finisher in the top 20 would have done some damage. So I am bummed about that, and that I think my teammates are racing out in front of me, while I am leading this sedentary life here - doesn't help when the runs feel like such a chore, under tupperware skies. Just feel like it is a bit of a rut, running-wise, for the moment.
Home is okay. Dad was a bit down this week, as all the effort to put back on the weight has plateaued and he has been dropping pounds recently, and quite quickly. It is sort of concerning, as he has been eating fairly well. He started taking diuretics again to help with his swelling, so I hope that is part of the issue, and that it isn't an indication of anything going on inside. I can tell it is depressing him though and that is the last thing he needs. And because we can all sense it, and react to it, it is the last thing any of us need.
We are going back to the doctor's on Tuesday to see about the results from his tests, so let's hope that is positive. I don't really know what to think about the idea of him entering into treatment, let alone the whole experimental treatment stuff - it sort of scares the crap out of me, but we will see - he doesn't want to feel like he is sitting around doing nothing, which of course I can appreciate. I am just scared to death of what it could do, and how he will respond, mentally, physically, etc.
I hope the sun comes out this week - it just seems like it has been a bit of gloom this week. I have my friends, as always, and they help me escape and laugh, but sometimes I feel alone inside my own head. I am in Seattle this weekend for a fun party, and that will be a laugh, and a dose of normality, plus Super Bowl is tomorrow, and that will be great - Dad and L are planning to come out for it too, so hope that will buoy his spirits. Yes, let the sunshine and the road be a bit of a downhill coast for a while.
Tuesday, 1 February 2011
Title block
Yesterday was one of those rare days at the gym when everything feels easy. I don't know what it was - if I really wasn't working as hard as I thought, but stuff was feeling good and like I was stronger! I have been doing some sort of shuffle things that K suggested with a band, for my adductor/IT band strengthening and I think they have already had an impact after only a few times! nice one.
Running this weekend wasn't so easy though - Saturday was a grey day and not nearly as nice out as the other days have been. Still, I haven't been able to get outside, so it was a joy in itself. I tried a different route that ended up being a tad longer, but meant that the last 4 miles, pretty much, were all uphill. It felt okay, but I was dying by the end! Aside from that, things have been pretty much the usual. I missed the Southern XC championships, which I am a bit bummed about - it is a great (hard!) race, but my teammates did well, and we got second as a team for the ladies - I like to think we could have won had I been there!
Things are going well at home - Dad has perked up quite a lot, and we have been making it out of the house quite a bit more - went to young C's wrestling last week, and M's bday party this weekend. We also had trips to the oncologist's to do some tests and things - he was impressed with the progress as well, and mentioned the possibilities of looking into treatments now that he might be a bit stronger!! Fantastic news for us all ~ I hope something can come of it.
I am missing London quite a lot by now, but am trying to keep things in perspective - It is most important that I am here, I know that.
Running this weekend wasn't so easy though - Saturday was a grey day and not nearly as nice out as the other days have been. Still, I haven't been able to get outside, so it was a joy in itself. I tried a different route that ended up being a tad longer, but meant that the last 4 miles, pretty much, were all uphill. It felt okay, but I was dying by the end! Aside from that, things have been pretty much the usual. I missed the Southern XC championships, which I am a bit bummed about - it is a great (hard!) race, but my teammates did well, and we got second as a team for the ladies - I like to think we could have won had I been there!
Things are going well at home - Dad has perked up quite a lot, and we have been making it out of the house quite a bit more - went to young C's wrestling last week, and M's bday party this weekend. We also had trips to the oncologist's to do some tests and things - he was impressed with the progress as well, and mentioned the possibilities of looking into treatments now that he might be a bit stronger!! Fantastic news for us all ~ I hope something can come of it.
I am missing London quite a lot by now, but am trying to keep things in perspective - It is most important that I am here, I know that.
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
Comfort in small things
The week didn't seem to get much better after the last post. I felt better after my workout, but came home and had a talk with C, which turned into a somewhat emotional discussion. We weren't arguing or anything but venting frustrations about the situation and how hard it is - again, being caught in an in-between. Well, C got a little loud, and Dad had to (presumably) get out of bed and come and yell up the stairs at us to check that all was okay. We were as far away as we could have gotten, but we still disturbed him, and obviously he thought we were fighting and wanted to make it all okay - peace-maker style. And then come to find out he didn't sleep at all that night, presumably in part due to worrying about us. It is hard, because of course it is nice that he frets about us, but at the same time, he has to realise that things are really fucking hard for us at the moment, and while we do our best to keep that at bay when we are around him, sometimes we have to explode! C wasn't doing anything to intentionally hurt anyone, just was letting some of it out for the moment, and Dad has to let us do this - explore the realm of our vast feelings, instead of keeping them all in.
So the long run on Saturday was definitely welcomed, and I had a lot on my mind to 'run' through. It as a fantastic day, too - the kind when you are excited to have to run over 1.5 hours because nothing can disturb you then, and you only have the road to contend with. I did a longer one than recently - over 15 miles, and ran via K's house, which is about 1/2 way on my normal route. Then she suggested I do a loop from her house, and she would drive me home, so I got to go on 'unchartered' territory, including the trail on the cliffs off High Drive - it was fabulous! There was heavy fog in the valley, and I was above it in the sunshine, over a sea of fog. Again, I wish I'd had my camera - I should start running with it sometimes.
The rest of the weekend helped chill me out more - went to watch friend C's bball team she coaches, and then went up to the mountain on my own for the night - watched some sports with the family friends, and then skied (hard!) all morning in the glorious sunshine -it was fabulous, just to think, or not think, all on my own. Not to answer to anyone - that is one thing I think I take for granted, my alone time at home, and I am missing it now. Turns out I skied over 15 miles too (I wore my Garmin), which is kinda cool, and a lot more fun than the running. No, I enjoy both in different ways, I am sure!
So now it is a new week, and I am going to keep positive I hope - there were a lot of factors in last week's meltdown, so hopefully it won't all combine for the Perfect Storm of emotion again. Dad is seeming much better after the last couple days too, so maybe we all had a bit of a breaking point. Up and up.
So the long run on Saturday was definitely welcomed, and I had a lot on my mind to 'run' through. It as a fantastic day, too - the kind when you are excited to have to run over 1.5 hours because nothing can disturb you then, and you only have the road to contend with. I did a longer one than recently - over 15 miles, and ran via K's house, which is about 1/2 way on my normal route. Then she suggested I do a loop from her house, and she would drive me home, so I got to go on 'unchartered' territory, including the trail on the cliffs off High Drive - it was fabulous! There was heavy fog in the valley, and I was above it in the sunshine, over a sea of fog. Again, I wish I'd had my camera - I should start running with it sometimes.
The rest of the weekend helped chill me out more - went to watch friend C's bball team she coaches, and then went up to the mountain on my own for the night - watched some sports with the family friends, and then skied (hard!) all morning in the glorious sunshine -it was fabulous, just to think, or not think, all on my own. Not to answer to anyone - that is one thing I think I take for granted, my alone time at home, and I am missing it now. Turns out I skied over 15 miles too (I wore my Garmin), which is kinda cool, and a lot more fun than the running. No, I enjoy both in different ways, I am sure!
So now it is a new week, and I am going to keep positive I hope - there were a lot of factors in last week's meltdown, so hopefully it won't all combine for the Perfect Storm of emotion again. Dad is seeming much better after the last couple days too, so maybe we all had a bit of a breaking point. Up and up.
Thursday, 20 January 2011
Cooped up
I am feeling really frustrated for some reason today. Like an emotional volcano about to erupt.
I didn't leave the house yesterday - not because I couldn't, but because I just didn't feel like it. I was going to go to the gym, but it was about time for a day off and it would have had to been late when L got home. So I just felt lazy. It was also a bit of a sad day as I found out my fish died. I know that 3.5 years is sort of a long time for a fish to live, but that doesn't help me feel better! She was a companion and a friend, during a time in my life that was difficult, and I am sad she is gone. It might seem stupid to get worked up over a fish, when I am facing REAL loss on a much larger scale. But the reality is that I can't face that now and can't allow myself to get worked up/pissed off/livid over that right now, not when I am facing it every day and living with Dad and trying to stay positive. So, no, I don't think breaking down about a fish is necessarily a bad thing or ridiculous. She was life and light and I loved her.
I just don't know what to do right now. I feel in limbo, stuck in two places and two minds. On the one hand, I miss London, where life seems easier and carefree, and I long for that. On the other, there is no way I could even fathom leaving, if my time with Dad is limited - I have to cherish every waking moment, even when they are mundane and involve making protein shakes or getting the paper.I think I am also down a bit because Dad seems down the past couple days. We had such a high, a bit of a breakthrough, for a time there, and now we seem to have a slump. None of us can muster up energy to motivate right now, and it feels bleak.
So I am off to the gym to read my book, burn off steam, and get a breather.
I miss you, CJ.
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