Redeemed! And a winner

Aha, such a better way to write a post - successful! I feel so pleased, and so much better about this race, it is amazing - I literally felt like a different person and a different racer - it is how I want to feel after all of the races!

So I opted to do the Coeur d' Alene half marathon after the last debacle and mental breakdown. Again, it was a gorgeous day, sunny, cool, light breeze. A bunch of the Swift girls were running too, so we carpooled out there early this morning, and HL and I decided to try to run together and to start out slower since we both have a tendency to go out too fast. I think that helped me a lot, to be honest, and I was still feeling really good at halfway. It was a nice course in that it was out and back with some little loops, so we ran against the flow of the rest of the runners. They were all so positive, cheering for me as the first girl, and it was a big boost!!

I pulled away in the second half, and ran a couple 6.10 miles, still feeling strong with it. In the end, my time was a bit slower than I had hoped (85.21) but I was pleased at least in staying strong and feeling positive. Also, my Garmin had the course as 13.39 miles, and a couple other people thought it was a bit long too - I won't assume that is the truth, but if it was, it could definitely make a 2-minute difference. Even one minute would put me in there with where I wanted to be. In the end, my splits (which were a bit off due to laps not matching miles as marked) were: 6:19, 24, 27, 24, 30, 31, 21, 10, 05, 39, 10, 28, 25, 08 (last .44!) - average 6.22 pace.

I did use the Ipod today, which helped a lot too - I swear it just helps take my mind to nice places and keep going! Plus, I ended on Sandstorm, which I love :)

In the end I won the ladies (and some good prizes!) and I think I was 11th overall - so very pleased, at least for the boost it gives me mentally.

In running things lately, they had still been a bit up and down - track workouts hard and failing, tempo runs harder and more achievable, but still not feeling amazing. I have been having some IT band stuff going on, so need to be doing some more strengthening (I have slacked there for sure) but luckily my calf seems to have turned a corner and is feeling 100% better - not sure what that is down to but not going to ask questions! :) Keep moving upward!

As for home life, things are going pretty well - we had a great time last weekend in California. The two services were hard, but lovely, and B and E did great eulogies - really nice things to say. Many tears were shed, but there was lots of happiness too. And I had such a great time seeing the family. They loved having dad and C there - it had been 16 years in some instances! This was the first all of the cousin's had been together in that long at least. We went out on Saturday, (some) of us drank too much, and had a great time. Grandma would have loved it. So would have Mom and Grandpa - it was really great.




I am trying to prepare myself to leave in just over two weeks. It is going to be so hard, and such a part of me thinks that this really feels right, or could for the long term. That isn't a bad thing, though, and personally this time has been so good for me to feel that way - like I could see living here again. It has been such a huge boost having all my friends and making new friends - it could definitely feel like home, again, which makes me excited. My time in London isn't done yet, but when it is, I know one place where my heart will feel right.

DNF

Well, I don't like those letters, and I don't like the fact that tomorrow or today when results are posted, they are going to be next to my name. I don't think they have been since I was a young ski racer and inevitably bombed out in some race. They have definitely not been next to my name in a running race, not even when I had to practically crawl to the marathon finish a couple years ago!

The latest race, obviously, didn't go according to plan. I will admit first and foremost that I was not focused on it, and probably didn't give myself the time to prepare myself that it needed. Having not raced a half-marathon for over 2 years, I wasn't thinking about what I needed to do.

I won't make excuses (or yeah, I probably will try!), but I can't lie and say that the fact that Grandma died two days ago didn't affect me. I was upset on the day, for sure, but felt that I was coping pretty well. But when I was out there and the wheels started coming off at mile 5 or so, any negative thought was creeping in, and that was at the forefront. I would have liked to think that I could have used it as motivation to fuel me and drive me forward, but I couldn't, or didn't. Anyway, so maybe my mind was elsewhere. Scratch that, I KNOW that my mind was elsewhere and I HOPE that I can regain focus going forward.

As for the details of the race itself, I was running the Windermere 1/2 marathon - it was a lovely day, strong wind which ended up being at our backs, and an undulating course along the Centennial Trail. It had the makings to be a pretty good race for me - I felt strong in the first 4 miles with 6:10-6:20 pace. But I started to feel depleted pretty early, hydrated but hungry, and my legs felt like there was absolutely nothing in them, and they were really achy (ironically and typical, my calf felt pretty damn good, even in the warm up!). I had a lot of negative talk going through my head, and the 'Just go ahead and stop' thoughts that I get in lots of races that feel hard didn't go away this time, and I gave in.

I stopped at Mile 11 - it was obvious it wasn't going to be a PB, so some part of me thought it justifiable to just stop early. When I did stop, I was overwhelmed with anger and emotion, feeling that I had failed myself, and everyone else (I know, that is always a silly but real consideration in keeping going). Part of me is okay with my decision - finishing would not have filled me with any sense of accomplishment - I know I can run the distance, so wasn't out for that, I just would have been pissed off by my time and feeling I failed in it (regardless of if it was still a decent time). Plus, by doing this, I essentially did a hard 11 mile tempo run, and my body won't be so depleted that I can't go out next week and work hard.

But another part of me is obviously really frustrated. How could I let myself down? How could I just give in so easily? It is supposed to be hard, and not surprising that it would hurt, so couldn't I push myself through that? And if not, how can I expect to next time?

Either way, it is done now and I have to accept my decision. There will be more races, and more opportunities to prove myself (to myself). Regardless of if it was 'right' or not, I have to live with it and go forward.

Elsewhere, yeah obviously this week was a bit tumultuous. Grandma's passing was not necessarily a surprise, but a big blow nonetheless. She had had a surgery later in the year, and I am not sure as to whether or not the issues this time were result of this or not. She went into the hospital a couple weeks ago and was on a steady decline. We had optimistically hoped we could make it to see her, getting tickets for Dad, Cory and me for Memorial Day weekend. In the end, it wasn't to be - she knew we had plans to come though, and was pleased with that, so that is some consolation. However, I feel very guilty having not called her on Mother's Day or been closer recently. I am just sad that she is gone - she was such a genuine and caring person, passing no judgment on anyone and only wanting the best for anyone around her. Just a sincere and good person. I loved her.

We are going down for the memorial next week, and in spite of the sad circumstances, it will be good to get to see everyone, and to gain some closure. I am really looking forward to seeing them all, hard though it will inevitably be. And then hopefully onward and upward from there, in many respects. DNF can also mean: do not fret, do not forget, and do not fail.

More on bloomsday

I couldn't get that to work - I figured I could type into there, but maybe not.

Anyway, felt I should write some about the big race, and everything else going on. Of course it is after 11pm and I am not going to make it through much, since that is me and I suck at this.

But in a nutshell, Bloomsday is a super tough race. Apparently this was my fifth time doing it, and I didn't notice that before?? I guess I have never been putting in a decent effort.

I got to start with the elite women based on my time in previous races - good in that we got to start 15 minutes ahead of the 50,000+ runners, joggers, and walkers. Bad in that after 2 miles it gets pretty lonely out on that road! I ran with some of the Swift girls and felt confident in the strategy going in. Averaging 6 min miles over the hilly course seemed totally reasonable. Until after the first hill (which I managed okay). But the second, third, and fourth killed me and I never got any speed back!!

It ended up okay - I was 44th female overall, 277 of the whole race (top 0.5%) and ran a 47.46. I was dead though, and it was humbling - I realise that aside from Green Belt and Welsh Castles, I haven't really raced hills, and even those I wasn't really racing to the point of trying to place higher. So this was pretty much the hardest terrain I have ever raced!

It was a fun day - after scattered snow showers (I know, right?? what is this climate change crap??) it ended up a gorgeous sunny day, and LJ and JM came out to cheer for me at the finish, which was great! they even had NJ decorated signs to wave, lucky me :) And while the race was tough, I felt decent about the effort I put forth and am glad I got out and did it. It is a fantastic event, and great to see so many people out enjoying it.

All else is going okay...I have picked the date to return to London, and am having all kinds of mixed emotions about it, as one would expect. I have made a nice little life for myself here in the past 5 months - old and new friends, fun groups of people to keep me active, and rejuvenated appreciation for Spokane. It has been great. Not to mention, obviously, all the time with Dad. It is six weeks out, and I already get teary thinking about saying goodbye to him. I know he is doing really well now but who knows? I hate to think about it possibly being the last goodbye.

I wouldn't take this time back for the world - it is hands down where I needed to be and I will never regret it for a moment. I just worry we have all gotten a bit too used to the idea, and that the reality of me leaving might come crashing down. The last thing I want him to do is have a backslide. I would come back in a heartbeat, of course, but I hate to think about his health declining at all.

At the end of the day, I will be leaving on the best of terms, really - much better than we had anticipated back on Christmas, opening presents and watching It's a Wonderful Life through teary eyes, thinking about how it was likely the last one together. If you would have asked me then, I thought I would be leaving a much more depleted person, having lost one of the most important people in my life. As it is, I will be leaving a much greater person, having helped provide someone dear to me tack on extra memories to the hatful of that have made up a fulfilling and jovial lifetime; I have gotten to spend extra time with one of the greatest people on the planet; I have made some degree of peace with myself for mistakes made in the past; I have gotten to know and be part of the lives of my dear friends, and their children in many cases; I have made new friends, and made better friends with old ones; I have had a lot of tears, a lot of laughs, and a lot of love showered on me, making me feel like one of the luckiest people in the world. I am the better for this time, indeed.

Bloomsday, and everything else