Comfort in small things

The week didn't seem to get much better after the last post. I felt better after my workout, but came home and had a talk with C, which turned into a somewhat emotional discussion. We weren't arguing or anything but venting frustrations about the situation and how hard it is - again, being caught in an in-between. Well, C got a little loud, and Dad had to (presumably) get out of bed and come and yell up the stairs at us to check that all was okay. We were as far away as we could have gotten, but we still disturbed him, and obviously he thought we were fighting and wanted to make it all okay - peace-maker style. And then come to find out he didn't sleep at all that night, presumably in part due to worrying about us. It is hard, because of course it is nice that he frets about us, but at the same time, he has to realise that things are really fucking hard for us at the moment, and while we do our best to keep that at bay when we are around him, sometimes we have to explode! C wasn't doing anything to intentionally hurt anyone, just was letting some of it out for the moment, and Dad has to let us do this - explore the realm of our vast feelings, instead of keeping them all in.

So the long run on Saturday was definitely welcomed, and I had a lot on my mind to 'run' through. It as a fantastic day, too - the kind when you are excited to have to run over 1.5 hours because nothing can disturb you then, and you only have the road to contend with. I did a longer one than recently - over 15 miles, and ran via K's house, which is about 1/2 way on my normal route. Then she suggested I do a loop from her house, and she would drive me home, so I got to go on 'unchartered' territory, including the trail on the cliffs off High Drive - it was fabulous! There was heavy fog in the valley, and I was above it in the sunshine, over a sea of fog. Again, I wish I'd had my camera - I should start running with it sometimes.

The rest of the weekend helped chill me out more - went to watch friend C's bball team she coaches, and then went up to the mountain on my own for the night - watched some sports with the family friends, and then skied (hard!) all morning in the glorious sunshine -it was fabulous, just to think, or not think, all on my own. Not to answer to anyone - that is one thing I think I take for granted, my alone time at home, and I am missing it now. Turns out I skied over 15 miles too (I wore my Garmin), which is kinda cool, and a lot more fun than the running. No, I enjoy both in different ways, I am sure!

So now it is a new week, and I am going to keep positive I hope - there were a lot of factors in last week's meltdown, so hopefully it won't all combine for the Perfect Storm of emotion again. Dad is seeming much better after the last couple days too, so maybe we all had a bit of a breaking point. Up and up.

Cooped up

I am feeling really frustrated for some reason today. Like an emotional volcano about to erupt.

I didn't leave the house yesterday - not because I couldn't, but because I just didn't feel like it. I was going to go to the gym, but it was about time for a day off and it would have had to been late when L got home. So I just felt lazy. It was also a bit of a sad day as I found out my fish died. I know that 3.5 years is sort of a long time for a fish to live, but that doesn't help me feel better! She was a companion and a friend, during a time in my life that was difficult, and I am sad she is gone. It might seem stupid to get worked up over a fish, when I am facing REAL loss on a much larger scale. But the reality is that I can't face that now and can't allow myself to get worked up/pissed off/livid over that right now, not when I am facing it every day and living with Dad and trying to stay positive. So, no, I don't think breaking down about a fish is necessarily a bad thing or ridiculous. She was life and light and I loved her.

I just don't know what to do right now. I feel in limbo, stuck in two places and two minds. On the one hand, I miss London, where life seems easier and carefree, and I long for that. On the other, there is no way I could even fathom leaving, if my time with Dad is limited - I have to cherish every waking moment, even when they are mundane and involve making protein shakes or getting the paper.
I think I am also down a bit because Dad seems down the past couple days. We had such a high, a bit of a breakthrough, for a time there, and now we seem to have a slump. None of us can muster up energy to motivate right now, and it feels bleak.

So I am off to the gym to read my book, burn off steam, and get a breather.

I miss you, CJ.

Washington wildlife

Well one thing that I don't get in the gym, and don't really get in the wilds of London is the beautiful wildlife that I get to see on my runs around here. We have SO many deer around our house, and hawks, it is great!

Here were two cheeky buggers outside in the yard.

Get to see lots of these guys too - they are all over the place looking for little voles and stuff - one likes to hang out in our tree and he is massive!

But, this one last week was an absolute joy - I wish I had had my camera with me to capture it as they are so rare around here! A bald eagle! It was one of those runs that I wasn't really feeling too, and I went a way outside my normal route, so I was really lucky to catch it.

Just beautiful and so majestic. It was really inspirational!

The week in running has been okay. I managed a long one on Saturday after a bit of late evening, but did it backward to avoid some of the heavy wind of the week before. Bad idea! It meant it saved all of the hills until the end, and they were brutal! Gorgeous day out though - we got a couple days of warm weather and sunshine, so that was a nice break!

Have been in the gym a few more times too, just chugging along. Oh, and I did my first track workout outside in weeks - it was a bit of a killer - 9x800 - but I managed surprisingly well after the hiatus!

Family stuff is going okay too. We had a good weekend in that Dad came up to the mountain (our condo at a local ski hill) for the day on Sunday to watch the football playoffs. Again, it was a bit of a mission, and took some convincing, but it was great! (well, the football wasn't that great). He hadn't realised how hard the steps would be, after months of not doing any, so those were a bit of a killer. But they have been a good motivator in that now he is super keen to try to work on getting stronger and practicing some more, so that he can do more things - he said he likes his 'outings', even if I do have to pout a bit to get him out there!

A woman who helps run the regional amyloidosis support groups came over yesterday - she has been in remission for 5 years and was worse off than Dad when she was diagnosed! It was very good to get to talk to her - she knows as much as anyone about the disease and is obviously very positive about getting through it, despite the odds. She had a different type of the disease to Dad, but she still puts a lot of it down to attitude and positivity to help get her to where she is today! It seemed to really have an effect on him, though he was also thinking inaccurately that he had the same type as her. All the same, we need to just keep thinking positive - and running, or flying, with the wind!

New silly shoes

These are a new addition - I don't foresee really running in them, except maybe the odd cool down or trot around on grass, but K has suggested I try them in the gym, to strengthen those muscles not getting used. I admit, i am following the fashion, but at least I did read the book (Born to Run) and felt there were some compelling arguments. Plus they are kinda fun and could be helpful!

An unforeseen delight

Wow, good thing I don't have followers or they would already be disappointed - I could never be one of those everyday bloggers, I don't think. Unless I could quit my day job, which wouldn't be too bad a deal.

Well I did get outside last week, finally. I had one super slack, don't-leave-the-house day, which made me feel disgusting, so then tried to make up for it. One thing about spending so much time at home is that my life is SO much more sedentary than it is in London - even cutting out all the walking to the bus time, etc. means I am doing so much less physical activity!

So it was nice to get back out - I did one of my normal shorter runs (6.5 miles) in the freezing cold wind and dimming light, and then got out for a nice long 14 miler, which felt pretty good, just to stretch the legs. Unfortunately I took a bit of a tumble on the ice - it was super slick out! - and bashed up my knees and elbows. something about falling as an adult makes it seem really scary! I was definitely shaken, and luckily only a couple blocks from friend K's house so I could pop in and she could dust me off!

Since Sunday it has gotten colder though, and very windy, so running outside is not a good option - while the freshness might be good, the wind is not, and just leaves me exhausted!

I skipped out on yesterday, though I did have the best of intentions: it was the BCS bowl game, so some of our very dear family friends were all watching at one of their homes. I could tell Dad was a bit disappointed when he learnt his buddy J wasn't going to come watch with him at the house, so I suggested we go over there. At first he seemed pretty keen, and as I asked throughout the day, he still seemed up for it. But then L didn't want to go, as it was cold and dark, so he started to change his tune. I was really, really worked up actually - again, I don't want to force him to do things, but I do feel he needs a bit of a boost from time to time, and sometimes a little bit of a kick up the a$$ to help him see that he can do it. I also wanted him to realise that his friends really wanted to see him, and it would do him good.

So at halftime he decided he was up for it (I am sure it had nothing in the slightest to do with me pouting the last 15 min of the 1st half!). So we bundled up and I warmed up the car. Dear Lord, that first step out the back door and I didn't think we were going anywhere - it was blowing an absolute gale, as it does up at our house, and FREEZING cold! He is cold in the house when it is 74 degrees, so 10 + wind was not helping. He stopped on the walk to the car to cough too (which isn't sounding good) and I thought for sure he was going to turn straight around. But he didn't.

We got there, and man how they were excited!! They absolutely loved having us there, and were SO pleased to see him - they are really great people and friends, and you could tell it helped make their night! It made his too, I think - he was glowing, laughing like he does at B's silly stories, and he even ate a lion's share of meat, cheese and chocolate fondue and had some port! it was fantastic. C came down too, and dad was so chuffed about it, he almost teared up - he didn't think he would show up to the adult's party, but he did, and I am so pleased.

So after a good couple hours, he was winding down, and we scuttled to the car, across the icy driveway. And he kept saying 'Man, that was fun!' and I knew that it had been a good idea - to get out into the land of the living and see his good buddies and have a laugh. There is nothing so healing as a good laugh with friends.

there it be - I didn't make it to the gym last night, and I had more than two dinners, but I didn't care - to share that with him was well worth it, and I wouldn't trade it for anything!

(As such, I went tonight, and worked my tail off and am exhausted, so can't wait to hit the hay!!).

Gym time, schmym time

I love winter, and snow, don't get me wrong. But three days in a row at the gym is getting a bit tedious. I am sure I could have managed running on the road, minus today's blizzard, but it hasn't worked out for various reasons.

Monday was tough - I should have gotten straight up and gone, but some days I just feel like being lazy, thinking I will do it sooner or later. And sooner than I like, it IS later and here in the PNW it is dark! So Dad and I lazed about all day, literally - it was VERY dull and I was going stir crazy. This is what happens when I don't run - it looms out there and makes me nuts! But then, being the first day back to reality after the New Year, I knew the gym would be a madhouse, so I waited until 8pm to go. It was all right in the end, energy burned off.

Then the past couple days, I have been 'working'. I really have, but it still never really feels like work when it can be done in my sweatpants without even leaving the house. Don't get me wrong! I am incredibly grateful that my work is allowing me to stay here right now to be with my family, and I will gladly log-in - it simply doesn't feel like a normal workday when I have to bundle up at some stage to walk down and get the paper (Dad SO doesn't do the internet news, or even trust me when I cite it!). So after working, again it is pitch black and I have gone to the gym. Today I threw in a whole lot of shoveling the driveway in, just to mix it up!

The gym hasn't been bad though - running on a treadmill scares the bejesus out of me as over 9mph it feels way too fast and dangerous! So I usually opt for an elliptical. They are okay, I am just ready to stretch my legs on the road - that will be my lunch break tomorrow I think - hill reps = woohoo! I've also been doing C's workout regime, twice now, which is kicking my ass! It feels great, but man, my chicken arms are weak!

On the plus - Dad has been doing a bit better. He was up 4 lbs yesterday, which is definitely good since he is getting SO little. I have been getting him to eat at least one good big meal when he gets up, and he has been working at it. It is so strange to have him not eat - eating more than 'well' was never a problem for him!! No appetite, nothing tasting good - it is just sad. So we are working on that.

And yesterday we all went out to a movie!! It was his first time even leaving the house in over 3 weeks! He was definitely apprehensive, and we had to give him some pep talks - I just said that yes, there are things that he can't do now that he used to be able to do. But that doesn't mean that he can't do anything! So we ventured out, saw a silly Jack Black movie, and everyone had a good laugh. Don't mistake, I didn't need the popcorn, but I am not going to pass up the opportunity to share in his enjoyment of it ;-) It was a good evening, and I was proud of him.

Out the Door

2nd Jan 2010

I was originally going to call this blog Running through the Pain, but I thought this might be more positive and optimistic, so I will go with this. When I was growing up, we would often listen to the song 'They Call the Wind Maria(h)' from the musical Paint Your Wagon. It became known in my family as My song, and once I got very worked up when it was played by a live artist at a restaurant, yelling that he was 'playing my song!' as if he wasn't entitled to. I have since had a positive mental affiliation with my name and The Wind, so therefore this title seems apt for this blog, which I am to keep about my running.

My family is currently going through some hardships - my dad is very ill with what seems like it will be a terminal disease, amyloidosis. No one seems to know much about this illness, as it is very rare and not well understood. As far as we understand, there is no treatment. He is 66 years old, and it is very likely that the Christmas and New Year that we just spent together - the first I have been home for in nine years - will be the last ones he will celebrate. He is shrinking before our eyes, and he is physically exhausted all of the time; his body is slowly shutting down. However, I am so fortunate to get to be with him right now, and I am trying to cherish this time at home.

Running was something I always just 'did'. I was good at it growing up, but I only really did it competitively to keep myself in shape for ski racing or soccer, which I loved. I never loved running. After college, I started doing it to get back in shape (dorm food did me now favours!) and I did my first marathon in 2004. I have gotten hooked and while running is still sometimes a chore, I do love it now, and taking it out of my life would leave a large void that isn't worth thinking about.

I find running provides me the time and space to focus my thoughts and step away from reality - while I think about a million and one things, often very mundane things, at least that time on the road or trail is reserved solely for this one act. Staying very busy, I try to cram a lot in, and when I am running, all I can do is run. I find solace in this, and it brings me peace.

With things at home difficult, and having no real escape such as my daily routine life in London, running provides me some space to step away and focus, and it gives me a break from the painful reality at home. I have no doubt that upon losing my dad, running and this time to myself well become all the more important. One day when running, I had the idea to try to write about my running, my thoughts, and how I hope it will help get me through these hard times occurring and ahead. That is the attempt of this blog, or one of them, and that is why I originally thought to call it 'Running through the Pain'.

Another aim of it is to track a very ambitious yet very real dream of mine - to run in the 2012 Olympics. Even writing this seems a bit ridiculous, and I get a bit abashed. But having been an avid goal setter for some years now, I know that making goals real and attainable can often be helped by both putting the words on paper (or virtual paper in this case) and telling other people about the goals - this makes them more real, and at least in my case, makes me much more likely to stick to them - if I say I am going to do something, out loud and to others, I am going to do my damnedest to do it.

The Olympics are definitely a pipe dream, but I am setting upon a journey to see how achievable an aim they just might be. In October I hope to run a 2.46 marathon which would qualify me for the Olympic qualifier in Houston, TX. There I would need to finish in the top three (from what I understand) to make the US team - no small feat I have no doubt! To be honest, making that qualifier would be absolutely spectacular in my book, but I might as well aim for the top. Running in London would be just the most incredible experience I could ever imagine.

So there are the two purposes of this blog: to track and focus my thoughts, and to track and focus my training - to help me get through the pain of losing the second of my two parents and to help me achieve an immense goal. I don't know what I will do with this blog, i.e. if I will tell anyone about it, or direct anyone to it. I suppose I can make it discoverable, so if people have found it on their own accord and find it interesting, they can follow along. One thing this blog won't do is track my every run or every day workout - I think that seems boring and a chore for me to write and anyone else to read. I will write when I feel motivated and moved by my meandering thoughts on the road.

Also, as a caveat, if I mention anyone involved in my actual reality, I will probably just use a first initial, for the safety of others - if you know who you are in this writing, I hope you will be pleased to see yourself here, and not offended. This isn't a private journal - I have one of those that I write in freely, assuming it will never be read by another, but a forum like this is public and I will hope to protect those near and dear to me. If you have a problem with anything you read, however, please feel free to contact me and I will amend as I see fit. The thoughts within this blog are mine alone and do not reflect any others that I might be affiliated with, such as work or running colleagues.

With that all covered, I will let that be the start of this writing journey. I look forward to stepping forward, onto the road and into the future, and I look forward to finding peace within myself through my running and writing. I hope to run like the wind, the wind they call Mariah.