I have been failing on the blog for reals. And I neglected to comment on two facts on the last post: it was St Paddy's Day, and it was the day after mom's diagnosis, 14 years ago. Man, that is crazy to think about....and that that was what I wrote my college entrance personal statements about. Feels so long but so not long ago now.
I am finally having a second to write - I feel like things have kept getting busier and busier. We are now in North Carolina, visiting J and his family - it is great to have a change. I think we were all getting cooped up, and just getting out of town is nice! The weather hasn't been great so far - two days of cold wind and drizzle - but it is bound to pick up and is just nice to be away. We are staying right on the ocean, which is gorgeous and so nice to even get to see the sea!
The running has picked up significantly since the race, and I am pleased about that - I have been trying to make a better effort of it, and really get stuck in. I have been running with a guy who is pretty good, and well-known around the local running community; I am finding it very helpful to have him to help pace me, since 6 min miles are virtually easy for him. It makes me realise how much I am missing out not having my regular track contingency to help me motivate.
It has also been much nicer out, so I haven't had to rely on going to the gym at all lately, and I think just being on the road is helping me stay focused as well as get the miles in. I have just signed up for two more races, a road 5k and Bloomsday, so should be some decent events to target here in the next few weeks.
I also got my first long run out of the way here, yesterday - running 16 miles at sea level seemed pretty easy, even with a headwind on the way back and the rain - just nice and flat and easy, out and back. That is the longest i have run in a while - I need to stay focused on at least 1:45-2 hours for long runs now, so I am told.
So I don't know - a bit of a break and breather seems to be in good order - it is great to see J, and get to spend time with dad and C, before he moves - I am glad he came out with us, and I know dad is too. Dad seems to be faring pretty well; the journey out wasn't as tough as I thought it would be on him, and he didn't seem any more tired than normal - he seems to have been sleeping well, and he is getting around pretty well too. It is just good for us all to have something new, and a change from the mundane routine, which I fear Dad's life as become out of necessity - I know he misses his work, golf, skiing, driving, freedom, etc. All in all, he has taken a lot of it in stride, or at least doesn't complain about anything aloud (sometimes I wish he would a bit more, to be honest, but i know he doesn't like to - his paraplegic father never complained, so he doesn't want to either. Fair enough.)
Anyway, that is about it for now, I suppose. Will endeavour to write more often, for my own sanity's sake - it is nice to have somewhere to just focus my running thoughts.
Tuesday, 29 March 2011
Thursday, 17 March 2011
All I need to know, I learned from....
Today was a good day. I am not even really sure why - I can't really put my finger on it, but it was a good day. I started off bummed to see an email from DC about my poor performance on Sunday - it confirmed what I had thought, but was difficult all the same (He wasn't mean in any way, just honest, but brutally so - it is okay, I needed it) - I hate to think I have gone backward, but I think it is inevitable.
I worked, I went to the gym, I went to Flying Irish. Made dad food, chatted, watched the hail. He and C went to a movie, which I think was probably more to appease me than anything - I just know how much they used to do it and enjoy it, and it had been a very long time since they had gone out together, so figured they should. I think they both enjoyed it though.
Running was good - it was the St Paddy's day run, so everyone was donning green and in good spirits. We did the Bloomsday course backwards, which just seemed weird - DOWN Doomsday?? But it was fun.
I started thinking about dad tonight, but not getting sad about things, just thinking about him and all the lives he has touched, which we keep hearing about any time we turn around. This one was special though: at his cardiologist's is a very cute bubbly redhead girl who is always very happy and chipper. She obviously has to see some shit, and she doesn't have to always have a smile on, but I haven't seen her without one, ever. I can't even imagine what could get her down. So over the course of the months, year, whathaveyou, she has gotten to see my dad quite a lot. Here is a guy with a terminal illness. He doesn't have to care, he could be like 99% of the people who are cordial but don't pay much attention to the gal at the reception desk - no doubt most people are perfectly friendly, but not as FRIENDS. Not Dad. This poor girl knows my whole life story from his prattling on to her, and he always, ALWAYS asks how she is and what she has been up to, and how is school, etc. He doesn't have to - he could have a shit day and not want to talk, but he does, never fail. He treats her like a human being, because she is one, and he treats her like a friend, because she has become one. For all intents and purposes, she is a stranger, one of the people we brush by in daily life who help us in small ways that we cannot fathom, that we often - most of us - take for granted.
So tonight I saw her at the run, and we chatted, and she asked about him. And she said something that nearly made me cry. She said, of all the hundreds of people she sees each week, month, etc. there are about four people who really stand out to her as special people, who go out of their way to be nice to her and engage her, and Dad is one of them. I wanted to hug her for saying that.
We have been inundated with cards and sentiments from dozens of people who write to Dad to express their sorrow over his illness. People who call him a life-long friend, a dear soul who has touched their lives. In most of the cases, he is their DENTIST!!! But he has come to mean so much to these people because he cares, and he treats people how he would want to be treated, even if it means pushing the cart back into the store in the snow, to save the teenage kid from pushing back one extra late in the evening. He just thinks about others, and really searches for the good in people, each person who comes into his life, be it a bank teller, a cashier, a waitress, a receptionist. He doesn't care who you are, but you have a story, and he is interested, and if you show an ounce of respect and determination, you will earn his. And that is a great feeling.
I worked, I went to the gym, I went to Flying Irish. Made dad food, chatted, watched the hail. He and C went to a movie, which I think was probably more to appease me than anything - I just know how much they used to do it and enjoy it, and it had been a very long time since they had gone out together, so figured they should. I think they both enjoyed it though.
Running was good - it was the St Paddy's day run, so everyone was donning green and in good spirits. We did the Bloomsday course backwards, which just seemed weird - DOWN Doomsday?? But it was fun.
I started thinking about dad tonight, but not getting sad about things, just thinking about him and all the lives he has touched, which we keep hearing about any time we turn around. This one was special though: at his cardiologist's is a very cute bubbly redhead girl who is always very happy and chipper. She obviously has to see some shit, and she doesn't have to always have a smile on, but I haven't seen her without one, ever. I can't even imagine what could get her down. So over the course of the months, year, whathaveyou, she has gotten to see my dad quite a lot. Here is a guy with a terminal illness. He doesn't have to care, he could be like 99% of the people who are cordial but don't pay much attention to the gal at the reception desk - no doubt most people are perfectly friendly, but not as FRIENDS. Not Dad. This poor girl knows my whole life story from his prattling on to her, and he always, ALWAYS asks how she is and what she has been up to, and how is school, etc. He doesn't have to - he could have a shit day and not want to talk, but he does, never fail. He treats her like a human being, because she is one, and he treats her like a friend, because she has become one. For all intents and purposes, she is a stranger, one of the people we brush by in daily life who help us in small ways that we cannot fathom, that we often - most of us - take for granted.
So tonight I saw her at the run, and we chatted, and she asked about him. And she said something that nearly made me cry. She said, of all the hundreds of people she sees each week, month, etc. there are about four people who really stand out to her as special people, who go out of their way to be nice to her and engage her, and Dad is one of them. I wanted to hug her for saying that.
We have been inundated with cards and sentiments from dozens of people who write to Dad to express their sorrow over his illness. People who call him a life-long friend, a dear soul who has touched their lives. In most of the cases, he is their DENTIST!!! But he has come to mean so much to these people because he cares, and he treats people how he would want to be treated, even if it means pushing the cart back into the store in the snow, to save the teenage kid from pushing back one extra late in the evening. He just thinks about others, and really searches for the good in people, each person who comes into his life, be it a bank teller, a cashier, a waitress, a receptionist. He doesn't care who you are, but you have a story, and he is interested, and if you show an ounce of respect and determination, you will earn his. And that is a great feeling.
Monday, 14 March 2011
First raceday back
Well I had a concern, which turned out to be well founded - the first race back after 3.5 months was tough stuff!!
Did the St Paddy's day 5 mile today, which is a great race - it was a gorgeous morning but I was very nervous from the start. I was hoping to run under 30 min but it became obvious at about Mile 2.5 that that wasn't going to happen this time. I was on pace at what DC had suggested I go for for the first two miles, but died soon after crossing the bridge and heading home into the wind. It wasn't really that bad a wind, but seemed strong enough to make a difference and affect me, both mentally and physically. I just felt tired and heavy-legged.
So I finished 5th lady overall and 2nd in my age group, with a 31.07 - I haven't ever run a 5 mile, and considering no women ran sub-30 maybe I shouldn't be too upset, but it would have been nice, and a good ego boost. As a result, it was a bit of a call to action, as I obviously need to work a bit harder while I am over here. I definitely think that the time in the gym, while possibly helping keep me fit, has not been the equivalent to as much running as I normally do. And that I have been skimping on the distance, and the hard stuff, all of which has added up over the past months. Throw in the extra eating and the less daily exercise/movement, and you have one slow(er) Mariah!
I know I shouldn't be too broken up about it, as there have been lots of circumstances that have made things difficult over this time period, but at the same time, it is frustrating, and the working out, or at least the putting in of effort, is within my control.
The good thing is that I have found some options that will hopefully help motivate me - the running folks around here are obviously driven and will provide some challenges for me, as well as help take out some of the mundane workouts I have been doing. So onward and upward, right??
Dad and L came out to watch and cheer, as did the I family - it was great to have support, and definitely helped about 3 miles when I was thinking about DNFing b/c I was frustrated. It was hard work for dad to get out and about, no doubt, and stand in the cold, plus he hadn't slept well since he was nervous for me running!!
All else is going okay - it is countdown to holiday time, which will be good, and a challenge we haven't faced yet - I am hoping that the weather will be nice and warm, and we can just all relax and have a change of scenery. It seems to have been a bit tense here lately. Dad still isn't eating well and has been losing weight again, and it frustrates him and us, I think, that he can't force stuff in. We were supposed to have appointments this week for scans and stuff but they have been postponed until after the trip; I suppose this is good in a way b/c like we want to have bad news hanging over our heads for the trip. But I am anxious to see how, if at all, things have changed since last time - there definitely seems to have been a dip, so I hope that it is nothing too concerning.
Life here was a bit more mellow this week - maybe I just chilled out a bit, or have some other vices that are helping me stay sane. I have been sewing a lot, which is fun - I am not very good, but I enjoy it, and it keeps my mind elsewhere. Getting out of the house is always good, and helpful. I don't know, it ebbs and flows. Ultimately, I know this is the right thing, and I need to be okay with it - this time is invaluable, so I just have to make the most of it for myself personally, and know that this is where i need to be right now.
Me and one of my top fans!
Did the St Paddy's day 5 mile today, which is a great race - it was a gorgeous morning but I was very nervous from the start. I was hoping to run under 30 min but it became obvious at about Mile 2.5 that that wasn't going to happen this time. I was on pace at what DC had suggested I go for for the first two miles, but died soon after crossing the bridge and heading home into the wind. It wasn't really that bad a wind, but seemed strong enough to make a difference and affect me, both mentally and physically. I just felt tired and heavy-legged.
So I finished 5th lady overall and 2nd in my age group, with a 31.07 - I haven't ever run a 5 mile, and considering no women ran sub-30 maybe I shouldn't be too upset, but it would have been nice, and a good ego boost. As a result, it was a bit of a call to action, as I obviously need to work a bit harder while I am over here. I definitely think that the time in the gym, while possibly helping keep me fit, has not been the equivalent to as much running as I normally do. And that I have been skimping on the distance, and the hard stuff, all of which has added up over the past months. Throw in the extra eating and the less daily exercise/movement, and you have one slow(er) Mariah!
I know I shouldn't be too broken up about it, as there have been lots of circumstances that have made things difficult over this time period, but at the same time, it is frustrating, and the working out, or at least the putting in of effort, is within my control.
The good thing is that I have found some options that will hopefully help motivate me - the running folks around here are obviously driven and will provide some challenges for me, as well as help take out some of the mundane workouts I have been doing. So onward and upward, right??
Dad and L came out to watch and cheer, as did the I family - it was great to have support, and definitely helped about 3 miles when I was thinking about DNFing b/c I was frustrated. It was hard work for dad to get out and about, no doubt, and stand in the cold, plus he hadn't slept well since he was nervous for me running!!
All else is going okay - it is countdown to holiday time, which will be good, and a challenge we haven't faced yet - I am hoping that the weather will be nice and warm, and we can just all relax and have a change of scenery. It seems to have been a bit tense here lately. Dad still isn't eating well and has been losing weight again, and it frustrates him and us, I think, that he can't force stuff in. We were supposed to have appointments this week for scans and stuff but they have been postponed until after the trip; I suppose this is good in a way b/c like we want to have bad news hanging over our heads for the trip. But I am anxious to see how, if at all, things have changed since last time - there definitely seems to have been a dip, so I hope that it is nothing too concerning.
Life here was a bit more mellow this week - maybe I just chilled out a bit, or have some other vices that are helping me stay sane. I have been sewing a lot, which is fun - I am not very good, but I enjoy it, and it keeps my mind elsewhere. Getting out of the house is always good, and helpful. I don't know, it ebbs and flows. Ultimately, I know this is the right thing, and I need to be okay with it - this time is invaluable, so I just have to make the most of it for myself personally, and know that this is where i need to be right now.
Me and one of my top fans!
Sunday, 6 March 2011
Struggling to stay on top
That is a bit of a dramatic title, but I have actually felt like it quite a bit this week - it was a hard week.
One thing bad about having a blog (or a personal journal for that matter) is the feeling of guilt when one doesn't write as often as he/she would like. I know I only have two followers, so I shouldn't worry too much about posting, but for my own good, I feel bad not posting - I often want to, and think about it, but like so many things, I seem to lack the time or the motivation, and rarely seem to have both at the same time. Little and often is what I should go for....
This week was about the worst I think there has been. Dad wasn't doing very well, it didn't seem like to me - not eating really at all to speak of. He has lost his appetite over the past couple weeks and also lost weight. Same for him, he is struggling with the 'little and often' idea. I get frustrated and try to force him to eat, which I know isn't the right thing to do - he KNOWS he has to eat. But then I don't get why he just doesn't do it, even if it is forcing it a bit. So I end up frustrated. He has also seemed a lot more tired - we haven't been out of the house with him in nearly a week, and it wears on us all.
So my frustration leads to other things too - I think the dynamics at home have just been a test, affecting my ability to focus on (or care about) my work, and I didn't feel very productive this week. I am also in some weird mood on my own, so feel on the brink of tears most of the time (probably woman-related). The good news is that I did get out and about a few evenings - even when I didn't want to, I got myself out of the house only because I know I will go crazy otherwise.
I ran with the Flying Irish again, which was really good fun! I did the route twice since it was only 3.3 miles on its own. People seemed impressed that I was 5th overall - I ran hard, and it felt good. Of course it decided to be winter again at the early part of the week. Don't get me wrong, I love winter, but I can't deal now - I want spring and sunshine and warmth. So it felt good to be out once the clouds had cleared.
Today was a tough day too - I don't know why I couldn't motivate to get going, but again it was an ugly day at the start and I just didn't have it in me. Rather, I worked on my sewing project and tried to lose myself for a while, which seemed to help. I finally made it out for the run, and to my surprise, it was really good! The sun was out, and it was very warm - I didn't do the long run, but will aim for that tomorrow. Some days I just have to do what I can do, and not fret about it - not worry that I am letting myself or other people down - little and often, for me and for me alone.
One thing bad about having a blog (or a personal journal for that matter) is the feeling of guilt when one doesn't write as often as he/she would like. I know I only have two followers, so I shouldn't worry too much about posting, but for my own good, I feel bad not posting - I often want to, and think about it, but like so many things, I seem to lack the time or the motivation, and rarely seem to have both at the same time. Little and often is what I should go for....
This week was about the worst I think there has been. Dad wasn't doing very well, it didn't seem like to me - not eating really at all to speak of. He has lost his appetite over the past couple weeks and also lost weight. Same for him, he is struggling with the 'little and often' idea. I get frustrated and try to force him to eat, which I know isn't the right thing to do - he KNOWS he has to eat. But then I don't get why he just doesn't do it, even if it is forcing it a bit. So I end up frustrated. He has also seemed a lot more tired - we haven't been out of the house with him in nearly a week, and it wears on us all.
So my frustration leads to other things too - I think the dynamics at home have just been a test, affecting my ability to focus on (or care about) my work, and I didn't feel very productive this week. I am also in some weird mood on my own, so feel on the brink of tears most of the time (probably woman-related). The good news is that I did get out and about a few evenings - even when I didn't want to, I got myself out of the house only because I know I will go crazy otherwise.
I ran with the Flying Irish again, which was really good fun! I did the route twice since it was only 3.3 miles on its own. People seemed impressed that I was 5th overall - I ran hard, and it felt good. Of course it decided to be winter again at the early part of the week. Don't get me wrong, I love winter, but I can't deal now - I want spring and sunshine and warmth. So it felt good to be out once the clouds had cleared.
Today was a tough day too - I don't know why I couldn't motivate to get going, but again it was an ugly day at the start and I just didn't have it in me. Rather, I worked on my sewing project and tried to lose myself for a while, which seemed to help. I finally made it out for the run, and to my surprise, it was really good! The sun was out, and it was very warm - I didn't do the long run, but will aim for that tomorrow. Some days I just have to do what I can do, and not fret about it - not worry that I am letting myself or other people down - little and often, for me and for me alone.
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