Team victory!

Well a tribute to the ladies on my team for placing third in the National XC this past weekend. I am super proud of them, of course - they all worked very hard this season. I am just sad that I haven't been around to get to be part of it!

Running here continues to provide its own challenges. I had a great run at the weekend - a long one after what had felt like a long time. It was gorgeous and sunny, which makes a huge difference on my mood and ability to get through it!

I keep seeing this guy everywhere. He is beautiful and such an inspiration - I saw him twice on Saturday! There could be more than one around here but I seem to think it is unlikely. I love having him swoop above me.

I did make it out for some hills yesterday, when the weather was nice, and today it has decided to snow a few inches, so am opting for the gym tonight, if I can motivate for it. I must motivate for it. Just would be nice to have some real spring weather about now!

What else...? I have been looking for some races to take part in while I am here, since it has been months now. The competition in the ones coming up doesn't look necessarily fierce, but maybe some little runs would be good boosts for my ego too! I just need to get out there some more! I am missing my team.....

Dad is doing pretty well this week - we got him out to M's party on Saturday night, which was a lot of fun! He is looking great, but still really tired during the days. He still has problems getting to and staying asleep, so that isn't helping. We have trying to get him down to try the therapy pool, but it hasn't happened yet. Still, if he is staying positive, and mentally feeling okay, that is the biggest thing, I think! I still am battling with the idea of going home, but I worry so much about how he might fare, mentally and thus physically. With C moving too, I don't know how he would do with us both gone. I still try to just focus on day to day - luckily my friends here and being able to work are helping keep me sane!

Flying Irish!

A couple good days on the running scene, which feels good!

I made it out to the track yesterday and it felt pretty good considering how things have been going - I had to do 1k reps and some 200s which were hard work, but it felt pretty good - it is definitely better getting out and running in real life! My times weren't amazing, but I am not too broken up about it, as it was still pretty cold - about 3 degrees Celcius and I was on my own on a lonely track. Just glad I stuck it out.



And tonight was positive too - I went out to check out this Spokane running club, the Flying Irish. Super fun! They do a pub run around Riverfront Park once a week, and K told me she heard they have some folks that do a longer run on the Bloomsday route. So I checked it out ~ I guess it is the off season but there were probably about 40 folks out there - apparently they get upwards of 400 people out in the spring and summer, supposedly making them the second largest club running night in the world, or something like that. The run was good (but dark) - it was really nice to be out running with some folks who like running! The pub was good fun too - there were lots of chatty people and it was fun to catch up with people to talk about the same things that I do when I am at our pub nights! Makes me miss my guys in London!

Other things are going okay here - dad has been doing pretty well. We did lots of errands in the last couple days which wore him out a bit. But he got lots of time on his feet and had to work his legs a bit. We got to Costco, which is always a joy, and he felt like getting lobster tails, so he and I had a feast last night when everyone else realised they had to be elsewhere! Anything that he gets excited about eating, we try to provide - keep him bulking up!

Else is much the same - weather has been a bit better, and tonight was a gorgeous night with a full moon, which helps!

Should I stay or should I go now?

I am having a hard time, and at times like this I wish I was capable or making a decision. A hard one. Nothing has really changed in the situation but I feel it looming - the time when I will have to make one of the hardest decisions of my life. Maybe I am being dramatic, and if choosing wrong really would mean such a huge turning point, then that should help me answer the question! But I still feel so at odds with things.

I really miss London, and part of me so wants to go back. But I well up even at the idea of packing my things, no matter what the situation was - leaving Dad or him having left me. I can't stand to even think about it. So then, yes, my answer should be made, I will stay as long as necessary. But why do I feel this pull?

My team won our XC league on Saturday for the first time ever. I am proud of them, of course, but devastated. I don't even like cross country, but I am very sad that they obviously didn't need me to do it, and that so many of them did so well and that I didn't get to be any part of it. I just imagine them all getting stronger and faster and me getting slower. And I miss the camaraderie, obviously (and the pub, even more obviously!) And I see all these races coming up on my calendar that I don't foresee getting to take part in.

And then I just get mad at myself for even thinking about these seemingly trivial things. As if there aren't going to be other races!! Dozens of them, more than I need. As if these things matter in the grand scheme of things. And when I am in a particularly frustrating angel-on-my-shoulder moment, I started thinking that none of that stuff matters - none of my life in London matters! I know that isn't fair, on me, or on any of that which I am part of there. I have made it home, and I love it. But sometimes it just feels like it doesn't matter, and that I shouldn't be so selfish to consider those things more important than my own blood.

I don't know what would happen if I left - maybe I am being overdramatic to think that I have made that much impact, and maybe dad wouldn't take a nose dive for the worse. But the fact is he has improved drastically since I got here, for whatever reason.



We had a tribute XC run this weekend with four racers. K did a great job marking us a course despite the cold and her cold, and for a moment I was in a race, feeling the exhilaration of it, and it was a really good time! It makes me miss the competitive aspect of the races, even those I don't like (even track, which is next nearly!) I just feel out of touch with the reality I felt I know so well, and my comforts and challenges, and I miss my friends and my routine, and my Arty. I just miss my London.

Laughing in the face of adversity

The weekend in Seattle was ace - such a nice break from things. Not that I needed one too badly, but it was good to get a change of scenery and spent some time in the 'big city' - make me miss my big city!

We had a few appointments for Dad this week. We went in pretty optimistic, since he had been feeling so good lately. Unfortunately we were disappointed somewhat. It is a bit confounding given that on the outside he is doing so much better it seems, but on the inside, things are looking worse. We looked at the CT scan and the bone marrow biopsy reports. The latter were actually good, as it was clear of amyloid! Not sure why it was there before, or if it was misdiagnosed and not really there, but either way, it is clear now which is good news! The CT scan was not such good news though - his right lung that he had all the problems with and surgery on in the fall is about 1/3 the size of the other, so virtually not capable of functioning at all; his heart still has the fluid buildup around it, due to its thicken walls and inability to pump hard enough (this puts him at some risk for congenital heart failure), and the fluid is leaking down and building up in the liver too, but it seemed to be less fluid than 2 months ago, so guess that is good; the major concern, and not sure if really is one yet, but could be, is a small mass in the left, healthy, lung that could be cancer. Another kind of cancer. As if he doesn't have enough to worry about, he has to get another goddamn cancer?? We obviously won't know for a few more weeks - they can't even biopsy it without putting his one working lung at risk, so they just have to gauge by any growth they see in the next scan. As a result of all this, there is really no treatment options that can be pursued at this time. Sigh.

The cardiologist appt was a bit better in that at least things don't look worse. Good news, I suppose?

Dad has seemed to take things okay though. I just told him to be the one that laughs in the face of science - 'We don't know how you seem to feel so good since inside things look a right mess!' He hasn't seemed to be too down about it though, and attitude is such a big thing, so have to work to keep him in good spirits.

So that has comprised much of the week. The rest has been okay. I had continued to be concerned and fretful about the running after last week's poor results. I was nervous even to go outside for fear it would be hard and I would be wheezing. I did some hard work at the gym, but that just isn't the same - it is obvious. But I did my hills today, in the wind and gray and they weren't actually too bad. It felt good to go hard, yet be close to home, knowing that should it hurt, I could stop. I didn't stop, but sometimes knowing that option is there helps - and allows me to laugh in its face too.

Maybe that is part of it all. Laughing when the odds are stacked against you, when life looks too hard, and obstacles look insurmountable. Just go on and laugh.

Uphill battles

This week has felt tough on the running scene. I am not sure what it is about, but I have to allow myself to have some tough runs too, and to try to push through them. My legs have felt like lead, my heart rate has been racing, and the whole run has felt uphill - go figure after Monday felt so easy!

I am frustrated to have missed most of the XC season. My team got second for the women's last weekend in the Southern Champs and it is not a far-fetched idea to think we might have won had I been there - not to big myself up, but another finisher in the top 20 would have done some damage. So I am bummed about that, and that I think my teammates are racing out in front of me, while I am leading this sedentary life here - doesn't help when the runs feel like such a chore, under tupperware skies. Just feel like it is a bit of a rut, running-wise, for the moment.

Home is okay. Dad was a bit down this week, as all the effort to put back on the weight has plateaued and he has been dropping pounds recently, and quite quickly. It is sort of concerning, as he has been eating fairly well. He started taking diuretics again to help with his swelling, so I hope that is part of the issue, and that it isn't an indication of anything going on inside. I can tell it is depressing him though and that is the last thing he needs. And because we can all sense it, and react to it, it is the last thing any of us need.

We are going back to the doctor's on Tuesday to see about the results from his tests, so let's hope that is positive. I don't really know what to think about the idea of him entering into treatment, let alone the whole experimental treatment stuff - it sort of scares the crap out of me, but we will see - he doesn't want to feel like he is sitting around doing nothing, which of course I can appreciate. I am just scared to death of what it could do, and how he will respond, mentally, physically, etc.

I hope the sun comes out this week - it just seems like it has been a bit of gloom this week. I have my friends, as always, and they help me escape and laugh, but sometimes I feel alone inside my own head. I am in Seattle this weekend for a fun party, and that will be a laugh, and a dose of normality, plus Super Bowl is tomorrow, and that will be great - Dad and L are planning to come out for it too, so hope that will buoy his spirits. Yes, let the sunshine and the road be a bit of a downhill coast for a while.

Title block

Yesterday was one of those rare days at the gym when everything feels easy. I don't know what it was - if I really wasn't working as hard as I thought, but stuff was feeling good and like I was stronger! I have been doing some sort of shuffle things that K suggested with a band, for my adductor/IT band strengthening and I think they have already had an impact after only a few times! nice one.

Running this weekend wasn't so easy though - Saturday was a grey day and not nearly as nice out as the other days have been. Still, I haven't been able to get outside, so it was a joy in itself. I tried a different route that ended up being a tad longer, but meant that the last 4 miles, pretty much, were all uphill. It felt okay, but I was dying by the end! Aside from that, things have been pretty much the usual. I missed the Southern XC championships, which I am a bit bummed about - it is a great (hard!) race, but my teammates did well, and we got second as a team for the ladies - I like to think we could have won had I been there!

Things are going well at home - Dad has perked up quite a lot, and we have been making it out of the house quite a bit more - went to young C's wrestling last week, and M's bday party this weekend. We also had trips to the oncologist's to do some tests and things - he was impressed with the progress as well, and mentioned the possibilities of looking into treatments now that he might be a bit stronger!! Fantastic news for us all ~ I hope something can come of it.

I am missing London quite a lot by now, but am trying to keep things in perspective - It is most important that I am here, I know that.