Should I stay or should I go now?

I am having a hard time, and at times like this I wish I was capable or making a decision. A hard one. Nothing has really changed in the situation but I feel it looming - the time when I will have to make one of the hardest decisions of my life. Maybe I am being dramatic, and if choosing wrong really would mean such a huge turning point, then that should help me answer the question! But I still feel so at odds with things.

I really miss London, and part of me so wants to go back. But I well up even at the idea of packing my things, no matter what the situation was - leaving Dad or him having left me. I can't stand to even think about it. So then, yes, my answer should be made, I will stay as long as necessary. But why do I feel this pull?

My team won our XC league on Saturday for the first time ever. I am proud of them, of course, but devastated. I don't even like cross country, but I am very sad that they obviously didn't need me to do it, and that so many of them did so well and that I didn't get to be any part of it. I just imagine them all getting stronger and faster and me getting slower. And I miss the camaraderie, obviously (and the pub, even more obviously!) And I see all these races coming up on my calendar that I don't foresee getting to take part in.

And then I just get mad at myself for even thinking about these seemingly trivial things. As if there aren't going to be other races!! Dozens of them, more than I need. As if these things matter in the grand scheme of things. And when I am in a particularly frustrating angel-on-my-shoulder moment, I started thinking that none of that stuff matters - none of my life in London matters! I know that isn't fair, on me, or on any of that which I am part of there. I have made it home, and I love it. But sometimes it just feels like it doesn't matter, and that I shouldn't be so selfish to consider those things more important than my own blood.

I don't know what would happen if I left - maybe I am being overdramatic to think that I have made that much impact, and maybe dad wouldn't take a nose dive for the worse. But the fact is he has improved drastically since I got here, for whatever reason.



We had a tribute XC run this weekend with four racers. K did a great job marking us a course despite the cold and her cold, and for a moment I was in a race, feeling the exhilaration of it, and it was a really good time! It makes me miss the competitive aspect of the races, even those I don't like (even track, which is next nearly!) I just feel out of touch with the reality I felt I know so well, and my comforts and challenges, and I miss my friends and my routine, and my Arty. I just miss my London.