The weekend in Seattle was ace - such a nice break from things. Not that I needed one too badly, but it was good to get a change of scenery and spent some time in the 'big city' - make me miss my big city!
We had a few appointments for Dad this week. We went in pretty optimistic, since he had been feeling so good lately. Unfortunately we were disappointed somewhat. It is a bit confounding given that on the outside he is doing so much better it seems, but on the inside, things are looking worse. We looked at the CT scan and the bone marrow biopsy reports. The latter were actually good, as it was clear of amyloid! Not sure why it was there before, or if it was misdiagnosed and not really there, but either way, it is clear now which is good news! The CT scan was not such good news though - his right lung that he had all the problems with and surgery on in the fall is about 1/3 the size of the other, so virtually not capable of functioning at all; his heart still has the fluid buildup around it, due to its thicken walls and inability to pump hard enough (this puts him at some risk for congenital heart failure), and the fluid is leaking down and building up in the liver too, but it seemed to be less fluid than 2 months ago, so guess that is good; the major concern, and not sure if really is one yet, but could be, is a small mass in the left, healthy, lung that could be cancer. Another kind of cancer. As if he doesn't have enough to worry about, he has to get another goddamn cancer?? We obviously won't know for a few more weeks - they can't even biopsy it without putting his one working lung at risk, so they just have to gauge by any growth they see in the next scan. As a result of all this, there is really no treatment options that can be pursued at this time. Sigh.
The cardiologist appt was a bit better in that at least things don't look worse. Good news, I suppose?
Dad has seemed to take things okay though. I just told him to be the one that laughs in the face of science - 'We don't know how you seem to feel so good since inside things look a right mess!' He hasn't seemed to be too down about it though, and attitude is such a big thing, so have to work to keep him in good spirits.
So that has comprised much of the week. The rest has been okay. I had continued to be concerned and fretful about the running after last week's poor results. I was nervous even to go outside for fear it would be hard and I would be wheezing. I did some hard work at the gym, but that just isn't the same - it is obvious. But I did my hills today, in the wind and gray and they weren't actually too bad. It felt good to go hard, yet be close to home, knowing that should it hurt, I could stop. I didn't stop, but sometimes knowing that option is there helps - and allows me to laugh in its face too.
Maybe that is part of it all. Laughing when the odds are stacked against you, when life looks too hard, and obstacles look insurmountable. Just go on and laugh.
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