Cooped up

I am feeling really frustrated for some reason today. Like an emotional volcano about to erupt.

I didn't leave the house yesterday - not because I couldn't, but because I just didn't feel like it. I was going to go to the gym, but it was about time for a day off and it would have had to been late when L got home. So I just felt lazy. It was also a bit of a sad day as I found out my fish died. I know that 3.5 years is sort of a long time for a fish to live, but that doesn't help me feel better! She was a companion and a friend, during a time in my life that was difficult, and I am sad she is gone. It might seem stupid to get worked up over a fish, when I am facing REAL loss on a much larger scale. But the reality is that I can't face that now and can't allow myself to get worked up/pissed off/livid over that right now, not when I am facing it every day and living with Dad and trying to stay positive. So, no, I don't think breaking down about a fish is necessarily a bad thing or ridiculous. She was life and light and I loved her.

I just don't know what to do right now. I feel in limbo, stuck in two places and two minds. On the one hand, I miss London, where life seems easier and carefree, and I long for that. On the other, there is no way I could even fathom leaving, if my time with Dad is limited - I have to cherish every waking moment, even when they are mundane and involve making protein shakes or getting the paper.
I think I am also down a bit because Dad seems down the past couple days. We had such a high, a bit of a breakthrough, for a time there, and now we seem to have a slump. None of us can muster up energy to motivate right now, and it feels bleak.

So I am off to the gym to read my book, burn off steam, and get a breather.

I miss you, CJ.