Out the Door

2nd Jan 2010

I was originally going to call this blog Running through the Pain, but I thought this might be more positive and optimistic, so I will go with this. When I was growing up, we would often listen to the song 'They Call the Wind Maria(h)' from the musical Paint Your Wagon. It became known in my family as My song, and once I got very worked up when it was played by a live artist at a restaurant, yelling that he was 'playing my song!' as if he wasn't entitled to. I have since had a positive mental affiliation with my name and The Wind, so therefore this title seems apt for this blog, which I am to keep about my running.

My family is currently going through some hardships - my dad is very ill with what seems like it will be a terminal disease, amyloidosis. No one seems to know much about this illness, as it is very rare and not well understood. As far as we understand, there is no treatment. He is 66 years old, and it is very likely that the Christmas and New Year that we just spent together - the first I have been home for in nine years - will be the last ones he will celebrate. He is shrinking before our eyes, and he is physically exhausted all of the time; his body is slowly shutting down. However, I am so fortunate to get to be with him right now, and I am trying to cherish this time at home.

Running was something I always just 'did'. I was good at it growing up, but I only really did it competitively to keep myself in shape for ski racing or soccer, which I loved. I never loved running. After college, I started doing it to get back in shape (dorm food did me now favours!) and I did my first marathon in 2004. I have gotten hooked and while running is still sometimes a chore, I do love it now, and taking it out of my life would leave a large void that isn't worth thinking about.

I find running provides me the time and space to focus my thoughts and step away from reality - while I think about a million and one things, often very mundane things, at least that time on the road or trail is reserved solely for this one act. Staying very busy, I try to cram a lot in, and when I am running, all I can do is run. I find solace in this, and it brings me peace.

With things at home difficult, and having no real escape such as my daily routine life in London, running provides me some space to step away and focus, and it gives me a break from the painful reality at home. I have no doubt that upon losing my dad, running and this time to myself well become all the more important. One day when running, I had the idea to try to write about my running, my thoughts, and how I hope it will help get me through these hard times occurring and ahead. That is the attempt of this blog, or one of them, and that is why I originally thought to call it 'Running through the Pain'.

Another aim of it is to track a very ambitious yet very real dream of mine - to run in the 2012 Olympics. Even writing this seems a bit ridiculous, and I get a bit abashed. But having been an avid goal setter for some years now, I know that making goals real and attainable can often be helped by both putting the words on paper (or virtual paper in this case) and telling other people about the goals - this makes them more real, and at least in my case, makes me much more likely to stick to them - if I say I am going to do something, out loud and to others, I am going to do my damnedest to do it.

The Olympics are definitely a pipe dream, but I am setting upon a journey to see how achievable an aim they just might be. In October I hope to run a 2.46 marathon which would qualify me for the Olympic qualifier in Houston, TX. There I would need to finish in the top three (from what I understand) to make the US team - no small feat I have no doubt! To be honest, making that qualifier would be absolutely spectacular in my book, but I might as well aim for the top. Running in London would be just the most incredible experience I could ever imagine.

So there are the two purposes of this blog: to track and focus my thoughts, and to track and focus my training - to help me get through the pain of losing the second of my two parents and to help me achieve an immense goal. I don't know what I will do with this blog, i.e. if I will tell anyone about it, or direct anyone to it. I suppose I can make it discoverable, so if people have found it on their own accord and find it interesting, they can follow along. One thing this blog won't do is track my every run or every day workout - I think that seems boring and a chore for me to write and anyone else to read. I will write when I feel motivated and moved by my meandering thoughts on the road.

Also, as a caveat, if I mention anyone involved in my actual reality, I will probably just use a first initial, for the safety of others - if you know who you are in this writing, I hope you will be pleased to see yourself here, and not offended. This isn't a private journal - I have one of those that I write in freely, assuming it will never be read by another, but a forum like this is public and I will hope to protect those near and dear to me. If you have a problem with anything you read, however, please feel free to contact me and I will amend as I see fit. The thoughts within this blog are mine alone and do not reflect any others that I might be affiliated with, such as work or running colleagues.

With that all covered, I will let that be the start of this writing journey. I look forward to stepping forward, onto the road and into the future, and I look forward to finding peace within myself through my running and writing. I hope to run like the wind, the wind they call Mariah.