DNF

Well, I don't like those letters, and I don't like the fact that tomorrow or today when results are posted, they are going to be next to my name. I don't think they have been since I was a young ski racer and inevitably bombed out in some race. They have definitely not been next to my name in a running race, not even when I had to practically crawl to the marathon finish a couple years ago!

The latest race, obviously, didn't go according to plan. I will admit first and foremost that I was not focused on it, and probably didn't give myself the time to prepare myself that it needed. Having not raced a half-marathon for over 2 years, I wasn't thinking about what I needed to do.

I won't make excuses (or yeah, I probably will try!), but I can't lie and say that the fact that Grandma died two days ago didn't affect me. I was upset on the day, for sure, but felt that I was coping pretty well. But when I was out there and the wheels started coming off at mile 5 or so, any negative thought was creeping in, and that was at the forefront. I would have liked to think that I could have used it as motivation to fuel me and drive me forward, but I couldn't, or didn't. Anyway, so maybe my mind was elsewhere. Scratch that, I KNOW that my mind was elsewhere and I HOPE that I can regain focus going forward.

As for the details of the race itself, I was running the Windermere 1/2 marathon - it was a lovely day, strong wind which ended up being at our backs, and an undulating course along the Centennial Trail. It had the makings to be a pretty good race for me - I felt strong in the first 4 miles with 6:10-6:20 pace. But I started to feel depleted pretty early, hydrated but hungry, and my legs felt like there was absolutely nothing in them, and they were really achy (ironically and typical, my calf felt pretty damn good, even in the warm up!). I had a lot of negative talk going through my head, and the 'Just go ahead and stop' thoughts that I get in lots of races that feel hard didn't go away this time, and I gave in.

I stopped at Mile 11 - it was obvious it wasn't going to be a PB, so some part of me thought it justifiable to just stop early. When I did stop, I was overwhelmed with anger and emotion, feeling that I had failed myself, and everyone else (I know, that is always a silly but real consideration in keeping going). Part of me is okay with my decision - finishing would not have filled me with any sense of accomplishment - I know I can run the distance, so wasn't out for that, I just would have been pissed off by my time and feeling I failed in it (regardless of if it was still a decent time). Plus, by doing this, I essentially did a hard 11 mile tempo run, and my body won't be so depleted that I can't go out next week and work hard.

But another part of me is obviously really frustrated. How could I let myself down? How could I just give in so easily? It is supposed to be hard, and not surprising that it would hurt, so couldn't I push myself through that? And if not, how can I expect to next time?

Either way, it is done now and I have to accept my decision. There will be more races, and more opportunities to prove myself (to myself). Regardless of if it was 'right' or not, I have to live with it and go forward.

Elsewhere, yeah obviously this week was a bit tumultuous. Grandma's passing was not necessarily a surprise, but a big blow nonetheless. She had had a surgery later in the year, and I am not sure as to whether or not the issues this time were result of this or not. She went into the hospital a couple weeks ago and was on a steady decline. We had optimistically hoped we could make it to see her, getting tickets for Dad, Cory and me for Memorial Day weekend. In the end, it wasn't to be - she knew we had plans to come though, and was pleased with that, so that is some consolation. However, I feel very guilty having not called her on Mother's Day or been closer recently. I am just sad that she is gone - she was such a genuine and caring person, passing no judgment on anyone and only wanting the best for anyone around her. Just a sincere and good person. I loved her.

We are going down for the memorial next week, and in spite of the sad circumstances, it will be good to get to see everyone, and to gain some closure. I am really looking forward to seeing them all, hard though it will inevitably be. And then hopefully onward and upward from there, in many respects. DNF can also mean: do not fret, do not forget, and do not fail.