Pushing on

Some days I just want to quit all of this. The days that it just feels too hard, I am too tired, I would rather be doing anything else - these are the days when I just want to pack it all in, become a social runner who doesn't wear a watch and doesn't have to do it every day, doesn't have to sacrifice doing fun things with friends because she has to do a long run or go to a race. I wouldn't have to get nervous or beat myself up over some silly 5k performance, or skipping a run here or there. Sometimes I just want to be in it for the fun of it, for the love of running.

These days often fall on speed workout and race days, when I decide I don't like running at all. Today was speed workout day.

The next to last thing I wanted to do when the alarm went off 6 short hours after I got to sleep, at 6am, was to get up and run. The LAST thing I wanted to do was to get up and have to run hard. Plus, being somewhere new that I don't know, and don't know where I can 'let it all out' on the road is always tough. I am in Geneva, spending a straight week at long conference sessions (that are not in any way interactive!) and they are demanding on my psyche - as such I didn't feel I had it in me to focus or push hard.

But I had a glimmer of hope - on the map it looked like there was a small park with a loop that I thought might work. So off I went, grumbling all the way! Turns out, the loop was very small - smaller than a lap around the track - but as I started, it actually was coming together rather well, about which I was surprised. While the loop was tiny, it at least allowed me to shut off my brain and not have to think about the roads or traffic or anything else. It wasn't even either, with a bit of a hill up one side, but that meant it was downhill on the other side, and I didn't have to push too hard against resistance. If my Garmin was accurate (sometimes I think it wants to conspire against having to run as well!) then I did pretty well, averaging about 5:40 mile pace on the 6 min reps (x3) and 5:30 on the 3 min reps (x4). I didn't know how many laps there were going to be, so there was no counting down, there was just listening to music and getting to the next rest period.

Things get hard and we have to find a way to get through it, and sometimes that means shutting off and just pushing on without thinking too much about it. It might hurt like hell, but there will come a time when it is over.

Some days running seems unusually difficult, like I have never been good at it, and I will never be good at it. It is days like these that I need to have a good run, that I enjoy, or hurt but feel accomplished by the end. Today was one of these - I hated starting, but I loved finishing, and I could congratulate myself on going hard and finishing, without cheating or quitting early (which are also too easy on hard days on my own). There will come a day when my running will be just for fun, without pressures applied by myself. Or maybe there won't. But today isn't one of those days - today I kept pushing on.